My So Called Life - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Embrace life -- both the sweet days and the bitter...embrace the joy and the sadness...the successes and the defeats -- for all of these things, both good and bad, have made you who you are.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Working Out Early - I Am NOT A Morning Person

Yesterday Samuel and I discussed going to the gym this morning before we went to work. Actually I was the one who brought up the topic on this particular day. Samuel had pondered it before but I had always rejected it because I am not a morning person at all.

So last night before bed, I went back and forth on whether I was going to actually go to the gym. Samuel was getting very frustrated with me because I would not make up my mind and commit to going to the gym. Finally I decided to go the gym and it was decided - the final decision: I would go to the gym.

Now there are a few reasons that I tried to avoid/back out/skip out on going to the gym in the morning. The major reason being that I am not a morning person. The second is that each time we talked about it, the time that we needed to get up in the morning kept getting earlier and earlier.

At first, the agreed compromise time was 6:30 am...then 6:00 am...then we really needed to get to the gym by 5:30 am at the latest...but then when he thought about it we really needed to be there by 5:00 am and probably should get up at 4:30 am so that we could go to the store before-hand....

I joked with Samuel that by next week we would be waking up at 3:15 am so that we could REALLY get a good workout...

So at 4:30 am my alarm went off (actually Sam's alarm went off and woke me up) - yes that is right..his alarm was so loud it went from his room across two rooms and woke me up in my bedroom on the opposite side of the house....

I woke up cursing him and wanting to just slap the son of a bitch...

So we arrive at the gym around 5:30 after going to the store - we do a workout of lower body and abs and cardio - as usual Sam did work out harder than I did....

I am just lucky I didn't collapse from it being so early in the damn morning...

After the workout, Samuel and I hit starbucks for a little coffee and the paper. That was the part I really liked - anyone who knows me, know that I LOVE my coffee and a newspaper...

So looking back on the whole experience...yes it was hard, but I actually did like getting my workout done in the morning...I felt energized until around 5:30 pm when I was ready to crash...

So will I be going to workout anymore in the mornings....

Abso-fucking-lutely NOT!

I hate getting up in the mornings....didn't you guys read the title of this post? :-)

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

I'm FAT - Nuff Said

see above title

Friday, October 21, 2005

George W. Bush - The Obligatory Post

Yes - it's time....

It's time I had my post about big ole' G.W.

I have met him before - at Baylor University in Waco, Texas while I was in college. This was of course when he was Governor of Texas rather than President of the United States. When I met him, I was not out to any of my friends at school, but I was out to a select group of people outside of Waco. I was conservative and a republican to boot.

I didn't pick up the mantel of gay rights or march around with a flag. I picked up my bible and marched on mission trips. I went to conservative speeches and met people like George W. Bush. I didn't have a huge problem with G.W. when he was just Governor of Texas. He was what they called a compassionate conservative - he courted the fringe groups, the moderates, the independents, and ran on openness, fairness, and equality.

Looking back it probably didn't mean much b/c Texas is so damn conservative that even the moderates are right wing...

So needless to say I liked him...as a person. I believed he had a good heart about people, about our country, about God, about life.

Fast forward to the present...

What a difference coming out, being in a relationship for 2 1/2 years, living through hell with your family over being gay, seeing opposition to gay marriage be a unifying force to elect a conservative into office, and seeing a movement to write discrimination into the constitution can make...

I am shocked, saddened, hurt, angry, bitter, jaded, irritated, frustrated, and all around pissed off.

It is hard for me to believe that we have an administration in office that actually wants to make it illegal for me to marry someone of my same gender...someone that I could legitimately love and want to spend my life with - what is even more shocking is that instead of supporting this ban on the state level, Bush just wants to write it directly into the constitution.

The President should do some research - the only amendment ever limiting a right was prohibition and that was repealed. Amendments should be used to expand the freedoms set forth in the constitution - not limit them.

So what do I think of conservatives and republicans?

I don't hate them - in fact a few of them actually read this blog and are among the nicest people I know (Hi Nay Nay and D...at least I assumed you guys were Reps :-) )

I just cant see the world the same way they do. I am a conflict...an enigma like so many gay men out there.

I grew up conservative yet came out as a liberal gay man. I love Jesus, yet cannot find a home in the church b/c of being gay. I am an ex-republican jaded and burned by a party who wants my vote every 4 years and then says I am a second class citizen...

So in the end I choose to disregard G.W. - I can't think of him without getting upset - feeling slighted, degraded, ignored, and marginalized...

Some say he follows God - some say he IS his own god....

I don't care either way - he has made me lose so much faith in our government and in "faith" itself, that I can't and wont give him any more of my energy or time...

He just isn't worth it...

Life - The Sum Of All Your Decisions

"Your life is the sum of all your decisions."

Such a simple yet true phrase. Sometimes we are so consumed with every possible consequence of every possible decision that we end going nowhere and doing nothing. Every question that comes to mind and every thought is simply an addition to the "complete" you.

What clothes do I wear today?

Which route do I take to work this morning?

Which movie do I see?

Which person do I agree to go on a date with?

Which car do I buy?

Which apartment do I rent?

Which person do I say hi to today?

Do I give that extra dollar to the beggar on the street?

Do I smile at a complete stranger?

Do I hold a door open for someone?

Do I let that vehicle in the right hand lane get over in front of me?

None of these questions is insignificant - but none of them were meant to stop us dead in the tracks of life.

Every single decision in and of itself is not an indictment of your life - it is a summation of the overall you. So don't sweat the small stuff. Your life is the sum of all your decisions. Go out and enjoy life and the world.

"You will make all kinds of mistakes; but as long as you are generous and true and also fierce you cannot hurt the world or even seriously distress her..."

--Winston Churchhill

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Desperation - Time To Move On And Move Up

This post is dedicated to the following:

To all the pity-parties going on right now...

To everyone who says "why me?"

To everyone who lives as if there life belongs on a soap opera and they deserved the award for Best Melodramatic Moment...

To the victims who aren't really victims...

To the ones who LIVE and SURVIVE off of the sympathy of others...

To the people who can't live without attention...

To the people who bitch about life rather than working to change it...

To those who dwell on the past, ignore the present and forfeit the future...

To those desperate for the approval of others...

To those who never see the good in anything...

No more bitching, complaining, whining, moping, and/or crying...

Appreciate life for what it is...if ya don't like something work to change it

Don't blame others, don't be desperate for their attention, and don't throw a pity party when someone doesn't respond how you want...

It's time to MOVE ON and MOVE UP....

Change your life for the better - only you can!

Monday, October 17, 2005

The Gate Keeper - What Comes To Mind Should Sometimes Stay There

I met this guy here in Atlanta. We are not dating. We are barely friends at this point. I have only hung out with him a few times. And he has an amazing ability to hit every nerve imaginable within me.

We have all had those experiences...We all know that guy. You know who I am talking about. The one that can't speak of others for fear the attention might leave him. The one who compliments himself more times than Cher changes outfits during a concert! Yes... you know him...some of his catch phrases are..

"You have to meet my friends - they are all so hot!"

"I just bought a new car, it cost so much money!"

"I can introduce you to *insert famous star here*...they are a close personal friend."

"I can't believe I spent so much money last week. I have to get my spending under control. I just have so much to spend."

I. I. I. I. blah! blah! blah! Me. Me. Me.

Damn - I sound like a Brady kid with a jealousy complex.....

Now don't get me wrong - these phrases are not bad at all when interspersed with normal conversation - but when they are the only things spewing forth from that spicket of self-indulgence he calls a mouth, any guy becomes a bore...

All this person talks about is himself...his money...his famous friends...his hot friends, him, him, him, - ahhhhhh! lol

I guess it all flows from insecurity...who knows....but Im not sure we will be friends. Friendship is a dialogue and when we are together, it tends to be one long monologue about him....

Maybe I should take him to a repair shop - his gatekeeper is obviously broken!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

What Lies Beneath - Pay Attention To What's Going On Around You

Have you ever sat in a public place like Starbucks, a restaurant, a park bench, a library, or an internet cafe and just wondered what was going through the minds of the people around you?

Or better yet - have you ever wondered what was going on within their computers? I force myself NOT to look because I don't like public peeping Toms - but I could not help but see one guys computer tonight at Starbucks. It caught my attention out of the corner of my. I recognized the screens as Manhunt.net.

***WARNING - for all of my straight, female, or Christian readers - DO NOT type in that web address at work, home or any other place that would be considered compromising...you will be shocked at what you see - :-) You have been warned ***
(This specifically means you Nay Nay!)

Anyway - back to the story - I recognized that site b/c obviously I had come across it on the internet but specifically from the times that I had to check friends accounts for them when they didn't have internet access.

Now this is NOT a judgment at all - As an adult I say people can do whatever they want. I have tried to develop an attitude of openness and acceptance, and I have come to expect the same from those in my life. I just found it interesting that you never really know what is going on around unless you pay attention.

Tonight at Starbucks this is what I observed:

One guy sitting in a couch reading a college text book.
The guy next to him in the couch reading a pleasure book about history.
Guy next to me working on curriculum for a local middle school.
Cute guy across the way listening to an IPOD and doing some research of some kind.
Guy directly across from me checking out Manhunt.net and then leaving a message for his "Date" or "Boyfriend" stating that he has been swamped at work..LOL...hmmm
I saw more guys cruising than I can count.
People enjoying casual conversations.
People on dates at the local ice cream shop right across the breezeway.
A near accident in the parking lot.
A woman wearing a tragic mistake she obviously thought was a dress!
I saw people smiling, people seriously intent on their individual projects.
I saw sadness and obvious loneliness

I guess the main thing is that I saw. So many times I find myself going and going and going and not stopping to realize what is going on around me.

I don't really care what all these people were doing but stopping to notice the small things happening around you teaches you to stop and enjoy the smaller things of life so that LIFE itself does not pass you by.

What did you see today?

Cancelled On At The Last Minute - A Date That Didnt Happen

So I had a date tonight planned for tonight - operative word being "planned".

I got cancelled on literally at the last minute. We had spoken online earlier last weekend and decided to have coffee and hang out, talk, etc....well we hadn't talked until this afternoon - yeah I know my bad for not calling him earlier...oh well..

So I called him this afternoon and left him a message asking him if he still wanted to have coffee. I asked him to just call me back and let me know either way.

Well...he did call back and leave a message. He stated that he still wanted to have coffee and that he had a meeting in the afternoon and then had to hit the gym...but he would call me after he got out of the gym and we would meet up for coffee.

I called him back around 7:00 and left a message letting him know that I had finished the gym and just touching base on the night. He called me back around 8:00 and said he was feeling tired and that he needed to reschedule...

I'm not upset at all - I was exhausted myself from working out and I probably would not have been the best company tonight either. He seems like a nice guy overall - so no worries no complaints...

Perhaps we will meet up for coffee next week when he gets back into town - I kind of hope we do - he seems like a good guy and it never hurts to have more nice people in your life.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Control Freak - A Place For Everything And Everything In Its Place

Hello everyone. My name is Matt, and I am a control freak.

Everybody: Hello Matt.

Phew! There...I have admitted it. I am a control freak about my life. I do not deal well with change, which is funny for those who know me.

"Haven't you moved cross country three times in your life?" - you may ask?

Yes I have...but that still does not take away from the fact that I am an absolute control freak about my life. I like things in order...

I think that is the main reason why I do not venture out to bars at first, and why I am slow to venture out into a city. I do not venture out into the unknown all that quickly. I am slow, calculated, and consistent in my foward movement.

I was thinking about this earlier today in a talk with Samuel.

In my life I have gone through phases where I will party hard and hit the bars every weekend and spend hundreds and thousands of dollars partying...and then I have entered a phase where I will spend most nights at Starbucks with a coffee and relax.

I find that here in Atlanta right now I am in a "starbucks" phase becuase it is whats comfortable for me. I am in a new city, new office for work, starting a new life, and it can be overwhelming...so I retreat to a comfortable place: starbucks, my computer, a cup of coffee and online friends.

As I grow more comfortable I am sure I will venture out like I did in Dallas. I am not really that "wild" of a person - I do not like losing control because it creates the possibility for the "unknown".

My friend Sam and I are the opposites in this area. He is ok with the unknown and is very adventurous...he is slightly more "wild" than I am - so we make a great balance for each other.

I do not think I am close to curing my "controlling" attitude about my life but I don't think it is a bad thing. I think I just need to be open to new things and experience life.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

My Friend Sam - Speaking His Mind

So my friendship with Sam goes back many years...

And there is one thing that I love about Sam...Ironically it is the same thing that can drive me nuts...ha ha

He is probably one of the most quick witted people I know.

His mind can think so fast and say things so quick, he can put you in a corner before you even have a chance to open your mouth.

Most of the time, his comments make me laugh so much...

Below are just a sampling:

SCENE: Sam and I are in Starbucks, and a very attractive guy is sitting at a table. The guy looks up at me and smiles and nods. I tell Sam...

Sam: "Come on Matt - If he were really looking this way, he would have to be looking at me." Ha Ha

SCENE: Sam and I at the same starbucks that night ordering our drinks. The barista asks me if I would like a tea - asks if I would like herbal or black passion.

Sam: "Matt doesn't like anything BLACK or PASSIONATE!" - lol

SCENE: Sam and I are at the house with the tv on in the background. We are discussing how I do not like to go to the bars as much as he does. We are also discussing one of my friends who doesn't like going to bars either.

Sam" "I find that people who aren't attractive are usually the ones who don't like going to the bars."

In Sam's defense, he immediately said that he was not referring specifically to me in that last statement...ha ha

I love Sam for his quick wit - sure it can drive me insane but it also makes me laugh and smile...

Sam and I are very different - and we have agreed that if we met today we would not hang out in the same circles and probably not be friends....

I am certainly glad that the Lord had my path cross with Sam when it did. With almost 10 years of history, my life would certainly be less without his friendship.

Starbucks - A Love/Hate Relationship

So anyone who knows me, knows that I love starbucks. I love relaxing and reading the newspaper, searching news sites online, and just taking a break from life. It is many times my escape.

But one thing always follows me to starbucks...

The inability for the barista to actually remember my order...

I would say that on average at any starbucks locations, at least twice a week I order my coffee and then wait never to receive my coffee. I have to go up to the person and repeat my order...

It happened to me all the time in Dallas, TX - happened several times while in Raleigh, NC - and now it has happened twice here in Atlanta, GA - and I have only been coming to Starbucks for a week.

Now I love Starbucks and I will not stop coming - I just find it hilarious that no matter where I go, the curse follows me. :-)

Sunni and Shiite - Trouble Brewing

Shiite Iraqis - 60%... Sunni Iraqis - 20%... Sunni Kurdish Iraqi - 17%

The New York Times had a great article on its website today entitled "Sunnis Wary as Turning-Point Vote Nears." The article centers around the upcoming referendum on the Iraqi Constitution.

The article discusses particular sections of the new constitution and how it affects certain portions of the population, specifically the Sunni Minority.

Throughout history, despite being the minority by the numbers, Sunnis have maintained the "power" positions of rule and government. They were in control when the British turned over control...they were in control with the ensuing monarchy...they were in control duing the time of Saddam Hussein. So they are not used to being the minority.

Throughout the article, many Sunni Iraqis are interviewed about their feelings towards the upcoming constitutional vote.

Many sunnis describe excessive searches, death threats, violence, difficulties in obtaining entrance to college, and attempts to change their names to avoid a Sunni surname...

Now some might say it is the "just desserts" of mistreating the shiite majority for all this time....but I don't see it that way...

It saddens me - every country has its rough spots in the democratic process - just look at the United States to see that.

But this separation and segregation reminds me too much of the Hutu-Tutsi civil war in Rwanda...

I hope that sort of violence does not start up again...

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Harriet Miers - On The US Supreme Court?!?!?

I have given a lot of thought as to what I think of the nomination of Harriet Miers to the US Supreme Court.

And the more I think of it, the less that comes to my mind to say...

There just isn't a lot of passion in me about her nomination. And therein lies the problem.

It seems like very few people are excited about this nomination. Republicans don't like her because she doesn't seem to be conservative enough (based on her democratic and pro-choice past) and Democrats don't like her (based on her republican present!)

What is this woman gonna do? She cant win on either side of the aisle...

What do I think of her personally? She seems like a nice woman from what I have read about her. But Bush really is a nice guy (I have met him several times) but I don't think he makes a good President...so.....

Hmmmm...again nothing comes to mind - she is a complete neutral in my book - she could go either way.

No one will ever take away from Harriet Miers that she is an accomplished attorney. She has distinguished herself in that area to a certain degree but is she REALLY the most qualified candidate and best candidate out there?

I do like the fact that she is a woman - I personally would like to see a woman replace Sandra Day O'Connor...but...

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

My New Apt - I Love It!

Ok..so right now I live in a house with Sam. The house is not bad at all. Actually I hate it - ha ha - Sam knows this..but Sam made a good point.

* He gave me the nice bed so that I would be more comfortable
* He gave me all the nice furniture as well
* He even gave me the nicer room

So I have determined that I need to shut my mouth and be thankful...

But...

We got approved for the new apartment! I am so pumped. We are right across the street from a mall, a blockbuster, a starbucks, my bank, a grocery store, a sushi bar, and one of the local cool gay bars...

All in the same shopping complex...how damn convenient...

I am excited...

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Nosey People - A Pain In The Butt

So I am sitting here at Barnes and Noble in the coffee cafe. I understand that whenever you use your computer in a public place that people are bound to look over at it every once in a while out of habit.

But what really irritates me are the constant and perpetual peeping-computer-toms out there. They don't just glance at your computer, they look, stare, read, and evaluate exactly what you are doing.

Talk about rude...

One guy is looking at me right now and I hope he reads this damn post and realizes I am writing it about him...