So Much To Share - No One To Listen
I think I first felt that way when I was in the church. Ironically the relationships I developed in the church (outside of my current friendship with Samuel) were by far the most surface friendships I ever had. There was no one that I actually was able to share the tough things I was going through. My friendships were structed by the church and were locked into this cookie cutter format based on confession, prayer, and discipleship time. But there was no true sharing or true understanding or true connection with the other person.
Its funny how some things in life seem to follow you through life. To this day, when I examine my life, I see that in those tough times I retreat to myself. I sometimes scroll though my phone, hoping to find someone to call...but the people I know are emotinally unavailable for that kind of support. Funny how the same struggles seem to follow you through life. Even Sam can affirm this, it is very difficult for me to find relationships that find level footing where the effort is a two way street.
And now at this point in my life, I have no one to blame but myself. I have felt emotionally alone for so long that I usually do not allow other people to get close because I do not believe they actually want to listen. So now I find myself in a perpetual endless cycle of wanting something that I do not allow myself to have. Of wanting to have someone there to listen and be able to support me, yet not allowing anyone the opportunity to try.