So Much To Share - No One To Listen

I could not post about this topic for a few days. I wanted to write and write for days about it, but for some reason the words just would not come. I am not sure why. I think this topic hits me more than any other topic I could ever think to write about on here. This is not about depression...I am far from depressed. It is about knowing that when you have a tough time, there will be people in your life to support you. I look at my life and wonder...where the hell are they...

I think I first felt that way when I was in the church. Ironically the relationships I developed in the church (outside of my current friendship with Samuel) were by far the most surface friendships I ever had. There was no one that I actually was able to share the tough things I was going through. My friendships were structed by the church and were locked into this cookie cutter format based on confession, prayer, and discipleship time. But there was no true sharing or true understanding or true connection with the other person.

Its funny how some things in life seem to follow you through life. To this day, when I examine my life, I see that in those tough times I retreat to myself. I sometimes scroll though my phone, hoping to find someone to call...but the people I know are emotinally unavailable for that kind of support. Funny how the same struggles seem to follow you through life. Even Sam can affirm this, it is very difficult for me to find relationships that find level footing where the effort is a two way street.

And now at this point in my life, I have no one to blame but myself. I have felt emotionally alone for so long that I usually do not allow other people to get close because I do not believe they actually want to listen. So now I find myself in a perpetual endless cycle of wanting something that I do not allow myself to have. Of wanting to have someone there to listen and be able to support me, yet not allowing anyone the opportunity to try.

Words Of Wisdom - From The Past, Applicable Today, Warning For The Future

"In the days ahead we must not consider it unpatriotic to raise certain basic questions about our national character. We must begin to ask, 'Why are there forty million poor people in a nation overflowing with such unbelievable affluence? Why has our nation placed itself in the position of being God's military agent on earth? Why have we substituted the arrogant undertaking of policing the whole world for the high task of putting our own house in order?'"

-- Martin Luther King Jr.

Has our nation truly learned nothing in the last 35 plus years since Martin Luther King Jr. preached those words? We must each be an agent for change in the world in and around us. An agent for the betterment of our lives and of those around us.

What I Learned About Myself - Just Not Yet

I sat down to write about what I learned and took away from my experience described in my prior post entitled "Party For One."

I am just not ready to let the rest of the world in yet.

Some things in life are best revealed over time.

Party For One - A Glass Of Wine And Peace And Quiet

Waiter: Matthew, party of one...your table is ready....

All the lights in the apartment are off. The only light burns from a scented candle in the middle of the table where I sit. My computer is in front of me. My wine glass is filled to the top and rests to my right. I have relaxing, nostalgic, spiritual music playing in the background...the music I listened to in my college years and early years in Dallas. The chair I am sitting in is cushioned and incredibly comfortable allowing me to sink in just far enough but not giving too much. The wine is sweet but not too sweet.

This is my night for myself. For no one else...just me. There is no bar full of people to keep me company. No starbucks coffee to keep me awake. No friends and no roommate to occupy my time and discuss the latest dramatics at the workplace or political upheaval. Just me. Alone. In the dark. To sit and contemplate.

I have not spent a night like this with myself in quite a while. I used to spend many a night like this. Contemplating, journaling, thinking, dreaming, fantasizing about life...about my future...about the possibilities that life would hold for me. I think that as of late, I have been so consumed with the realities that I left no room for the possibilities of what might be.

So tonight I sit on a date with myself...a quiet evening...a nice glass of wine...peace and quiet. An evening with no distractions for me to think, ramble, sing out loud, talk to myself, sit and stare, to fall out of focus in a haze about nothing in particular. A time to simply be with me. To find out how I am doing. To hear my own heart and my own thoughts for a change. To discover what has been going on with me. To learn things about myself instead of trying to learn things about other people. To try and get in touch with how I am feeling at this point in my life.

Isn't that what a night like this should be? We are always so eager to go on a date with someone else. We ask them questions...we want to know every detail...we try to make them feel good...we compliment them...we make them feel important. So why not do that for myself. So tonight I am asking myself questions. I am wanting to find out every detail. I want to make myself feel good. I want to compliment myself. I want to make myself feel important. So that is what I am doing.

Now if you will excuse me...as the waiter said earlier...my table for one is ready...

Sick With A Nasty Cold - Might Be The Flu

Hey everyone

I am sick with a nasty nasty cold - might be the flu.

Will be back up to blogging a few days

Love you guys,

Matt

Blatant Rudeness - I Just Don't Understand

I was running late to work this morning. I had to go into work late due to some errands I had to run. It was about 8:30 am and I decided to stop and get my usual grande mocha from Starbucks. I waited patiently in line along with the other 11 people. Yes...it was a busy time in the good ole starbucks.

The lady in front of me started talking to the lady behind me. Exchanging pleasantries...catching up...the lady behind me asked the one in front how everything turned out with the new painting of their house. They talked about working out at the gym, how work was going, etc. Blah, blah, blah...:-)

They held up the line but only for a few seconds..nothing major. I certainly was not in a hurry. Now having them hold up the line was not a big deal.

So the two women paid for their respective drinks and continued talking and catching up. They were smiling and laughing and joking and carrying on. To the passer-by it appeared that best friends had just reconnected.

We were all waiting over by the counter where the starbucks barista places the prepared drinks for the customers to pick up. The lady that was originally in front of me was laughing up a storm when her drink was called and placed on the counter.
She picked up the drink and then it happened.

I saw my first true "Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde" experience...It was absolutely uncanny and caught everyone off guard...especially the poor Starbucks barista who served the drink.

The brown haired smiling, jovial, laughing woman transformed into a being from another world. Her eyes winced, her nose squished up, her smile turned WAY upside down, the wrinkles and crow feet around her eyes jumped out at you like bat out of hell...the transormation was quite shocking.

And then in a blunt and excruciatingly rude,loud voice proceeded to announce: "This coffee feels a little light. Fill it up more!"

Immediately upon completing her shouting at the barista, she turned right back around and began smiling again and continued laughing with her friend. I looked over at the barista with a confused look on my face and the barista's mouth was half open in shock that she had apparently just served her first bi-polar customer.

Now I realize reading those words, they do not appear that rude. But like most things in life, it is all in the presentation. If you had seen the way that woman transformed and the way she shouted at the starbucks employee and then immediately turned right back into the laughing, smiling friend...it was all too weird.

Is The Grass Always Greener? - I Think Not

I took off work early today. I had won this contest at work that allowed me to take 2 hours off early and receive no new files. So I promptly packed by bag and left work a couple hours early and raced home...eager to enjoy my extra 2 hours. I went home and rested and then went to the gym. Not wanting to run, I had to force myself to go the 3.5 miles before looking in the mirror to see myself as the walking ball of sweat I was. I came home, showered, and traveled to Starbucks to relax. It had been a while since I just sat back and listened to music and completely enjoyed an evening by myself.

The last few weeks have been non stop for me...at least in my mind they have been. My work had driven me to the breaking point. I had no strength left to give to my work. I had received 4 calls from recruiters at other jobs wanting to set up telephone interviews, in-person interviews, etc. Then last week, my job assignment at work changed...for the better. I am handling different cases now which tend to be a bit less stressful. So the number of cases I am currently handling has dropped dramatically. I decided not to pursue any of the other potential job offers.

Truth of the matter is that I actually love the company I work for. My company has been good to me...no...not just good to me. It has been great to me. I make good money for what I do, and there is not a single person in my office that I do not get along with. The have good benefits and a great profit sharing and pension program for my future. At this point in my life, these benefits outweigh the negatives that rise to the surface every now and then.

I have invested the last 5 years of my life into my current company, and it is strange but I feel a sense of loyalty to the company. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence..especially in my industry. I quit my company once before and re-hired with them. The decision to quit was for a very good reason, but it was not completely thought through. The decision to re-hire with them was an even better decision. The next time I make any career move, every possible outcome will be considered.

Small Lies - Ok or Not?

When is it ok to lie? With all of the people in our lives, when is it ok to lie to them? Is a little white lie excusable if you are telling it to not hurt the person? This is a tough question for me to answer because you have your obvious answers for each side of the debate.

I can hear people say that you should be honest with everyone because a true friend deserves the truth in every circumstance.

I can also hear people saying that you have to pick your battles and some lies about some insignificant stuff do not matter.

I guess everyone has secrets of some sort...little secrets about what you think about your partners clothes...what you think about your friends/partner's parents...etc

I am sure we have all lied about the gift we received but did not really like. The gift we could not wait to return to the store.

I guess in the end it is a subjective idea that everyone is going to have to decide for themselves...

Happy Birthday Sam - My Roommate's Birthday

You all of course remember Sam, my roommate. We have known each other 10 years.

Today is his BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday Sam!!!!

At The End Of Your Rope - Finding New Strength

I was at the end of my rope this last week at work. Oh my gosh. I was almost ready to quit it all. I had dealt with one too many yelling, screaming, cursing customers. It is ironic that this week I had several companies calling me out of the blue asking me to set up interviews. But alas, I did not call them back. I had already interviewed with the companies before and was not interested in what they were offering.

But it is weird because right when you reach the end of your rope, life seems to step in and help you out a bit.

I just recently switched to a new position at work and it has been a breath of fresh air. It is less stressful and a little easier so far.

I am well aware that in the future this position will become more stressful but it has been a great break this week.

Images Of The Week - My Academic History