My So Called Life - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Embrace life -- both the sweet days and the bitter...embrace the joy and the sadness...the successes and the defeats -- for all of these things, both good and bad, have made you who you are.

Saturday, July 30, 2005

What's Your Bar Personality - Friendly Regular?

What's Your Bar Personality?

I am a Friendly Regular

A bar's just not a bar without a friendly regular like you. And you take that fun-loving and charismatic attitude with you wherever you go. From relaxing poolside to dancing the night away, you have a way of making where you are feel like home.

A personality as sunny as yours craves time outdoors. Fresh air, a sense of freedom and adventure — nothing makes you feel more alive. So start planning your next barbecue or beach party — your friends and fans are waiting!

Friday, July 29, 2005

My Biggest Fear in Life - What Scares Me!

When I actually think about mind goes blank sometimes...

What is it that I am really afraid of? I am not talking about spiders, snakes, flying, drowning, heights, or any of the sort - even though all of those things do sort of give me the willies.

I am talking about what scares me on a deeper level.

When it comes down to it, I think my biggest fear is that I will let my life pass by without taking advantage of every possible day. I want to take advantage of this gift that has been bestowed upon me. I want to know what it means to live life to the fullest. To be able to say I never gave up, and I never backed down, but I faced every challenge and I stood up to every obstacle.

That I chose my battles wisely and carefully, and that I learned from my mistakes. To be able to look back and say that this world is a better place because I lived my life. That is something special...something that I hope will be said of my life.

Of course, no one can predict the future, and it is this which only adds to the fear deep down inside me. All of my questions, both the simple and the complex, are hidden by the shadows of the yet unforeseen future and only revealed when the light of the present uncovers them. Both of these factors are out of my control.

I can only rely on fate and destiny to reveal them to me in their own time. Sometimes, I grow impatient and wish that life would slow down. That I could enjoy more of the present...understand the simple things in life and not let a second pass by wasted. Many times it feels like I am caught on a roller coaster which will not slow down. It travels faster and faster and it is at these times that I feel life is flying by and I am "missing" something.

And just as it calms down and I stop to smell the roses, enjoy a sunny day, or relax over coffee with a good friend, Life takes over and I am thrown for a loop on the coaster. I then start all over again.

Yet in the midst of the crazy ride, I feel that if I learn to look hard enough, the answer to my fears will be found. Amazing things will be seen. I will discover who I am, and what I am capable of. I will learn that it is not the finish line that is the marker of success, but rather what I learn along the way that shapes and molds me...this is the most important process.

I am trying to learn all I can. Trying to process everything I see, feel, hear, learn every day. Enjoying life for all of its possibilities because deep down this is my biggest fear: missing out on the gifts and joys that life has to offer...being so bogged down in the trials that I forget the lessons...being so caught up in the winning that I forget to compete...being so focused on Life itself that I actually forget to enjoy the "Living"....

So I Haven't Worked Out This Week - Wanna Know Why?

Well...I wish I had some great excuse, ya know. I wish I could say I was working overtime, but who am I kidding. I wish I could say I was too tired, but yet again, that would be a lie. I have nothing I can say except the truth.

My clothes stunk too bad to step foot inside the gym.

Pathetic, yes. Sad, yes. Disgusting, of course! Sad to say, have not done laundry in a while so my workouts clothes stink like moldy ass....

So the only thing I can do is run outside in the open air so I don't offend anyone..

How sad...

My mission this weekend: MUST DO LAUNDRY!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Bullshit to English Dictionary - Abridged Edition

We have all heard them spoken. Those phrases and/or questions that just reek of Bullshit. They are so full of shit that you can see it dripping out of the mouths of the people speaking. When you hear it, you want to whip out your can of "ANTI-BULLSHIT" spray. So, to help everyone out, I have compiled the Bullshit to English Dictionary, an abridged edition.


Statement: "I only want what is mine. I am not trying to rip anyone off because I am a Christian you know."

Translation: "I know I'm a selfish, self-serving, lazy-ass, would prefer to not work a day in my life, no good money grubber, but I will ease my conscious by throwing out a reference to God. Life owes me does....I swear!"

Statement: "I love you unconditionally, but..."

Translation: "I'm basically full of shit. I don't love you, I don't accept you, and unless you conform to my standards, yo ass is dropped. Capishe?"

Statement: "It's not you, it's me!"

Translation: "It IS you. I'm just too chickenshit to say it, so I'm gonna blame myself and act like I'm sad. Hope you can understand."

Statement: "I met somebody."

Translation: "It WAS you, you WERE bad in bed, you didn't meet my needs. Take your pick. Next!"

Statement: "It wasn't what you think..."

Translation: "It IS what you think, I am a lying piece of shit, and I WILL do it again. But in the mean time, please accept this piss poor excuse that basically means nothing and take back my good for nothing, lying, cheating, dirty dealing, ho-ish ass back into your life...."

Statement: "I can explain..."

Translation: "See definition for "It wasn't what you think...."

Statement: "You can call tomorrow if you want..."

Translation: "I am not only too lazy to call you, but I don't know yet if I want to call you. So I will just wait for your call, and if at that time, I decide you are worth talking to, I will pick up the phone. If I don't answer, then please take the hint and fuck off..."

Statement: "Oh baby - you shouldn't have!"

Translation: "Your sorry ass is fucking lucky that you did. If you hadn't not only would you not get ANY for a month, you would be ON THE COUCH, and your cheap ass would be buying me make up gifts that cost more. So as I said, your lucky you did." this was the abridged version...

The full edition will be out in book stores later this year!

My Dallas Dating Debacles - Trainwrecks in History

Ok - so I plan to give a brief summary of a few of the relationships I have had here in Dallas. Actually, you can hardly call them relationships. Rather...just a brief summary of the guys I have dated....the only major relationship I had was with Brock, sigh.....:-)

Dallas Guy # 1:

Met this guy when I first moved to Dallas on the internet (Red Flag #1). Successful, damn hot, older (he was 32 when I was 23), did I mention hot. Oh yeah...and he was separated (Red Flag #2) And oh yeah, I was the first guy he ever messed around with (Red Flag #3) but at the time he was hot, and I was fresh to Dallas. One night he asked me to fuck him (I would have been his first, but I said no - I didn't have a condom! DAMNIT! - the opportunity never arose again...damn was he hot!)

Result - you predicted it - broke up with me after one month in a crushing scene over the telephone - sigh!

Dallas Guy #2

Met this guy about year after I moved to Dallas. Student (Red Flag #1) at local university. Mistake dating someone younger (Red Flag #2), but he was so cute. I was stand offish...he was needy....sigh...

Result - after 3 months we broke up - during the break up with many sarcastic pot shots at my expense and a dramatic crying scene, relationship terminated

Dallas Guy #3

Met this guy at the Village (Red Flag #1), now Station Four. I was passing by him and he just introduced himself to me. We went upstairs and talked and began dating, or hanging out as he called. He could not call it dating, b/c he was not comfortable with that (Red Flag #2). Should have been a warning sign, but it wasn't. He was an asshole, I was insecure (Red Flag #3)...sigh...

Result - after one month he called me up and told he couldn't put up with my "pouty" attitude...relationship terminated...

P.S. - at that time yes I guess I was a little pouty b/c I actually liked this guy and he was such a jerk - we are still good friends to this day - we obviously made up after the break up and fight...

Dallas Guy #4

Student (Red Flag #1)
Younger (Red Flag #2)
Ardent political activist (Red Flags 3 & 4) - yes this one counts twice
Not very communicative (Red Flag #5)Result - like you even needed me to tell you - we crashed and burned like the Hindenburg on a hot summer day in Arizona!

Dallas Guy #5 - My Biggest Mistake!

Now I call this my biggest mistake not because I want this guy back or want to date him again. It is my biggest mistake because I hurt him and it probably could have been avoided.

Met him online, but it actually seemed ok this time. Sweet, funny, cute guy - successful, owned his own house, great job, LOVED all of his friends. So why didn't it work you ask. There just wasn't that spark. It just didn't click with me on the inside. I cant explain it.

My fuck up comes in here. After I broke up with him the first time, I panicked and thought...what did I do...did I just give up a great I kept "hanging" around and started dating him a second time. Ended up breaking up with him a second time which really hurt him...



Result - we are still friends to this day - thanks mainly in part to his forgiveness.

Dallas Guy #6

Met this guy at the Round Up - very cute, great smile, good job.

Younger (Red Flag #1) - but that was really it...

Until one night he decided to make out with other guys right in front of me....

We had only dated a few weeks...

Result - haven't spoken to him since - what the hell would be the point of that - would be a total waste of my valuable time :-)

Yes I know this was just a short summary but to tell the whole story of each one would bore you to death I am sure...

Dating in Dallas has been a bigger disaster than the movie Waterworld....

Maybe Atlanta will hold greener pastures!

Expectations and Entitlements - Pissing Me Off

I cannot hold back my frustration any longer. The water pressure has been building up like the Hoover Dam after a monsoon and the wrath is being unleashed.

If someone were to ask me what is your biggest pet peave, I think it would be the following:

People expecting something when you have given no indication that you want to give it, that you have thought about giving it, or that they even deserve it.

I am serious. I am done.

If you come fishing in my pond, you ain't getting shit.

I used to be the type of person who would say anything to passify, coddle, cajole, pamper someone if it made them feel better.

Those days are gone.

Now are the days of honesty, straight-forwardness, and maturity!

I will no longer allow fishing in my pond of compliments. The water is being drained and fences are being put up. The fish are no longer there. You are casting your line into a dead pond, a dry well, a desert if you will.

Now for anyone who can't pick up on it, I don't deal with unrealistic expectations and entitlement. Everyone needs to realize that the only thing they are entitled to in life is their own thoughts and feelings. Everything else is left up to the fate.

Which is better?

...A compliment that you ask for or one that is freely given?...

...Something that is forced or an unexpected surpise?...

I think people need to wake up...stop asking for shit you don't deserve and stop beggin for crap that you really don't need.

Be yourself.

Like yourself.

And fuck everyone who doesn't appreciate you for who you are.

But don't and I mean don't come begging, asking, pleading, graveling, expecting, or pushing for something from me that is selfish or self serving in nature.

I won't put up with it anymore....

P.S. - to clear up any confusion - this comment was inspired by some idiot no name I talked to online tonight in Dallas :-)

New Orleans, Southern Decadence, and the Scabies Infestation - Oh the Memories

The year was 2002. I was living in an area of Dallas called the village - a group of 13 different apartment complexes in the heart of Dallas. I had moved in with my best friend Adam, who also happened to work with me. Samuel had come up for a visit that fall and the subject of Southern Decadence came up. Now from my memory (and Sam correct me if I'm wrong) the idea of the trip was rather spur of the moment. I don't believe this was a long planned out trip.

The trip was 9 hours to and from New Orleans over the course of one weekend. Yes...this was going to be a LONG trip. I was actually very excited about the trip down there. I had only been to New Orleans once before and it was just passing through on my way to Pensacola (again a trip I took with Samuel). I had heard many stories about Southern Decadence and I was eager to see if they were all true.

Not to bore you with too many details about the car trip....9 hours later we arrive in New Orleans...

We had decided to stay at a hostile that Sam knew about. I had never stayed in a hostile before but it was cheap and available and on a limited cash flow, cheap was always good. We arrived in New Orleans and Samuel wasted no time in directing us to the 24 hour bar, OZ. I don't even think we had gone to the hostile first.

Pulling into town at around 7 am, the bar scene called his name like a long lost lover. He was drawn, and so we ended up at the bar at the ass crack of dawn. We walked around the bar and I got a sampling of things to come.

The bar was packed with people dancing, grinding shirtless, and making out all over the place. It was pretty tame being only 7 am. The real fireworks were to come later on that evening when we would return...Finally able to pull Samuel away from OZ we left for the hostile.

We arrived and settled into our rooms. We rested a little bit before heading out into the wonderful city of New Orleans....

Southern Decadence here we come....

Now to be perfectly honest, I wanted to experience Southern Decadence but part of me went as a chaperone to Sam. As you know he has a tendency to be wild....but back then he was a lot more tame than he is now. I cannot remember the names of all the bars we went to...Sam probably can but I actually don't think it was that many....

The experience of Southern Decadence for me though centers around what I saw at OZ. I saw sex, sex, sex, and more sex. WOW - it was upclose and personal. I felt like I had front row seats at a live porn show. I was floored. You see...this was thepoint when I barely drank alcohol at all....

Yes you sons a bitches - my alcoholism is a recent phenomenon...:-)
I can honestly say I saw a few instances of people actually having sex, I saw a lot of oral sex, some rimming, other wild behavior, and everyone had a smile on their face...except for me....ha ha

In my opinion, the bar was HOT (as in temp wise), the bar was incredibly smoky (my lungs have just now recovered 3 years later), I didn't see that many hot guys, the guys I did talk to were obviously high on something and I doubt it was life - it was so crowded I could barely move - and the one time I went on the dance floor which lasted for 5 minutes, I almost collapsed from heat exhaustion.

I left the bar and walked outside and was like damn. I thought to myself:

"...I run 4 miles 3 - 4 times a week. I am in great shape, and I can barely survive in there..."


So while Samuel caroused inside the bar I walked up and down the streets of New Orleans checking out shops, talking with locals, drinking a margarita which I think was my only drink of the night.

I don't remember what time Samuel and I met up - we had talked and agreed on a preset time to meet up outside of OZ. To my amazement, Samuel showed up on time. But damn, was he plastered. And I am not talking bout normal plastered. I mean shitty ass, gone down the well, cant stand on his own drunk!

We make it to my car, and he collapses on the ground and lays out there spread eagle in the roadway. Then the funniest part of the night least for me.

I get him in the vehicle. I walk around and get into my drivers side and close the door. I look over to the passenger seat and what do I see......

I see Samuel stroking my emergency break...

And what does he say....

"....Matt...look - it's a PENIS!..."

I busted out laughing my ass off. It was the funniest damn thing I had seen that whole weekend. Amazingly Samuel is able to direct us back to the hostile, because I am incapable of finding my way around a new town...

We get to the hostile and Samuel crashes asleep...I attempt to do the same...

We awake the next morning (Sunday morning) and we get up and get going to spend part of the day in New Orleans before heading back. We went downtown to view the gay parade that was traveling through as part of the celebration.

I saw some crazy ass bitches in that parade but they all seemed to have a good time. We get some food and we get gas, and we again depart for Dallas after one of the craziest weekends.

But the story doesn't end there. We brought back some little visitors from the hostile. After arriving in Dallas and parting ways, I noticed that my legs started itching really bad. It started spreading up my legs and then appeared on my chest.

Damnit - I knew what it was. It was scabies (little dust mites) from the hostile. I made an appt with my doctor, got some cream, and I was good to go.

I neglected to call Samuel however. He didn't know and he suffered with the itching for weeks and weeks. But come on really...if you start itching all over the place, wouldn't you see a doctor...:-)

I'm sure Samuel will have a few comments to add about this one, but it ranks in the record books for me...I will always envision Samuel molesting my car...

Thank God Kia offers a support Kia has finally recovered...

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Atlanta Bound! - Starting Over

It is official! I am moving to Atlanta. My time in Dallas has come to an end, and a new chapter is beginning. I am looking forward to the move for many reasons:

1) - I absolutely love the city of Atlanta

2) - One of my best friends Samuel lives there

3) - A new opportunity with new people and new adventures is always exciting

4) - I am done with Dallas :)

5) - Change is good

So stay tuned for an update on my progress of getting things settled for my move to ATL!

Monday, July 25, 2005

My Friendship With Samuel - A Roller Coaster Ride of Six Flags Proportions

I met Samuel at Baylor University. He live in the same dormitory as I did, but he had a room in the basement. I however lived on the second floor. He roomed with a couple of his friends from back home, and even though I knew who he was I did not really know him all that well.

We really first met on a mission trip to Juarez, Mexico our freshman year. It was during this trip that Samuel and I shared many experiences. We shared our first bed together (No sex sickos!), I experienced my first sleepless night because of Samuel's snoring, and the toothbruch experience. Toothbrush experience?!?!? Well that is when I said one word that gave away my secret. The word, toothbrush. Somehow when I said this word one night, both Samuel and our friend, Phil, knew that I was gay. Don't ask me how, but their GAYDAR was ON that night.
Our friendship really started to develop the summer after my freshman year. He was down at Baylor in the summertime, and we developed a little hearts club. A group of us would sit around and talk and play cards for hours. Good times had by all!

As we developed closer and closer ties that summer, more and more of our lives started to become open to each other.

Eventually this led to the ultimate confession.....on Sam's part mind you...

The year: 1997

The Location: A friend's apartment near Baylor

The Participants: Myself, Samuel, and a 3rd mutual friend

The event: The Coming Out - Sam's anyway...partially that is

This was the year that Samuel confided in me that he struggled with homosexuality. You see, back in the church we called it a "struggle" because we believed you could be cured, healed, set free, and delivered from homosexuality.

We were at a friends apartment when Samuel decided to confess his struggle to me. I honestly didn't really know how to react, and to this day cannot remember how I reacted.

Did I frown or smile?

Did I look shocked beyond all belief?

Did I stare blankly back at him?

I think basically my response could be summed up as "...that's cool..."

I had nothing more to say. Much later I would find out that Samuel was shocked that I did not choose this time to confess my "struggle" as well. All I knew is that there was no way in hell I was going to throw my life out there for all to see - at least not yet.

And I was not in a place to confess anything as my previous posts had made clear. In fact it would not be until after college that I finally confessed to Samuel that I was indeed living life as an open gay man.

Throughout Baylor, Sam and I had a somewhat rocky relationship. While we continued to develop our friendship along with a mutual friend who shall remain nameless, we had some arguments for the history books. The most famous one centering around a comment I made about black women.

My statement: "...In general I don't find myself attracted to many black women..." or something like that...right Sam? :-)

HUGE mistake. What is obviously funny about this statement is that I am not attracted to ANY women. Ha Ha. So why did I say it? To blend have a "straight" opinion about something in order to guise my sexuality. To make it look like I was comfortable and gave thought to my "heterosexuality."

Well hot damn, Samuel took that comment and came at me like a bulldozer on grass. He was offended on behalf of his mother and all black women of the world. I stood no chance and the game, set, match was ended with me slamming my door. (FYI - at that time many of our arguments ended with me slamming my door and leaving the room.) How else could you get away from Samuel and his onslaught!

This was during the time that Samuel and I were obviously roommates. We would spend hours talking at night, ignoring one of our other roommates, and generally developing one of the strongest ties I have to this day.

During the first 6 months of my junior year we would go through the toughest phase of our friendship to date:


We moved out to a small community south of Waco called Woodway. We had a 3 bedroom apartment and at some point a new guy moved in to stay with us a while. His name was mean Chip.

Chip was a warlock. :-) How else could he cast his spell on Samuel the way he did. Samuel was enthralled with Chip, did laundry for chip, probably would have jumped in front of a bullet for the guy. I on the other hand wouldn't get off my ass to hand Chip the remote control. Needless to say the relationship between Chip and I had much to be desired.

This strained our relationship to the point where after 6 months we all moved out. Chip went his way leaving Samuel to pick up the pieces...ha ha.. just kidding :-)

I then moved into a loft with the two church leaders mentioned in one of my previous blogs. This occurred halfway through our junior year. Samuel and I would continue our friendship but on a much different level for the remainder of our college careers. The rest of Baylor was spent in some separation b/c Samuel was very active at his church in Waco (mind you - we did not go to the same church!)

By graduation time, I moved to Dallas and somewhat felt that my friendship with Samuel may drift away. However, there was one connection that always kept me and Samuel together. Our friend Jabbar. Jabbar was our glue and always made my path cross with Samuel.

In actuality, there were many times when Samuel and I would go 6 months or so without talking. And then out of the blue we would cross paths again and start up like nothing had ever changed.

Fast forward to when I live in Dallas. Now Jabbar and Samuel were never allowed to come to my apartments here in Dallas, and they would soon learn why. I received a phone call from Jabbar informing me that they would all be out at Dave & Busters and that I should come hang out. Of course I did.

Now by this time, Samuel was well into his "ho" stage, and I would find out all the explicit details later on. But for the night, Dave & Busters was the setting for the next stage of our friendship. A game of pool, a couple of screwdrivers and the "confessions" began. I was speaking to Samuel the other night on the phone, attempting to recall who said what first.

It must have been Samuel. He always was the over-achiever. There was something refreshing and wonderful about this openness between us. In a weird way, it brought a connection, an understanding that had not been there before. Our friendship had gone to a new level and I knew it instantly that night the secrets were laid out on the table.

Samuel and I have always had an up and down relationship. We have gone years without talking, but there is nothing he could ever say that would cause me to turn my back on him. This new level of friendship would be both a blessing and a curse.

We had many crazy adventures, conflicts with friends in Dallas, and an infamous road trip that has forever scarred me....

Stay tuned for:

New Orleans, Southern Decadence, and the Scabies Infestation

Sunday, July 24, 2005

My Struggle - Homosexuality vs. Christianity, The Final Chapter - Revelation From Above

I moved to Dallas in January of 2001. I had taken a job teaching kids at an after school educational center. I was looking forward to the job because I absolutely loved kids, and I enjoyed teaching. My move to Dallas was marred by misgivings, however. I had recently ended my 2 1/2 year relationship with Brock, disassociated myself from the church that had been my home for 4 years, and was lost as to what this all meant for my future.

As I settled into my new apartment and attempted to begin a "walk" here in Dallas, I attempted to reorganize my life. No longer bound by the conflict that arose because of my relationship with Brock, I attempted to recapture the zealous abandon of my prior years at Baylor.

I had established a pattern in life when I heard of a church plant moving to dallas. I planned to attend this home based cell church that was started by members of my church back in Waco, TX. My mission: to dive back in full force into the "Christian" walk and forget all about the conflict that had so embroiled my life and soul at Baylor.

The night came for me to attend the first meeting of my new cell church home here in Dallas. I arrived and saw many familiar faces - the faces of people I had known throughout my time in Waco. We greeted each other with hugs and pleasantries. I honestly think they were too shocked to respond any other way.

"...What is he actually doing here..." I could here them thinking.

And that line of thinking would not have been too far off. When I left the church it was a total chopping block experience. All relationships were cut and all ties broken. I am not sure if it reached the church that I was gay, but it was well known that I had deeper "conflicts" that kept me from continuing with them in my journey.

The meeting began, and familiarity set in. The worship, the prayer, the scripture reading - I felt like I was right back at Baylor my freshman year. Guitar led worship entered my ears, and I could feel my heart go out a bit. Honestly I did long to know God more. The salvation experience was very real for me and nothing could ever change that (and nothing ever will!).

Yet something was missing. This was not and would never be my freshman year at Baylor all over again. I opened my eyes and looked around the room. These thoughts came into my mind.

"...Who are these people?..."

"...Do I really know them...because I know they don't really know me..."

"...Why am I here? What am I trying to recapture?..."

"...Why am I looking back to the past?..."

As these thoughts were going through my mind, the revelation hit me. The revelation that would forever change my outlook on myself and my relationship with God.

Simply put - "...God is more than enough..."

Those amazing words, so simple in written form, communicated something so deep and so strongly into my heart that I had to sit down in my chair.

God was more than enough for me and everything I would ever go through.

It wasn't a condemnation of my life or of my relationship with Brock. It had nothing to do with me or anyone else on this earth. It was about God, plain and simple.

You see, with this revelation I realized that my time at Baylor was not about God. It was about church, cell groups, discipleship, worship, prayer, evangelism, bible study, and ME!

My focus had been wrong, so why would I want to relive those days all over again. Why would I want to fall back into the same pattern that had led me down a path of conflict, despair and stress all those years ago.

The meeting that night ended and I said my good-byes knowing I would not be back. I had made the decision. I would walk away...for now. I knew I would be back at some point, but for now the church would not be apart of my life.

To this day, my attendance at church is sparse, and probably not what it should be.

The truth about the revelation God gave me still rings true in my heart. God is more than enough - for any situation, any trouble, anything I go through - he is not shocked by what I do, and he doesn't fall off his throne.

So why am I not conflicted about my struggle anymore? What has changed?
Simply put - God is Enough! and with that knowledge I don't struggle, and I don't worry. Psalms tells me that nothing can take me out of the hand of God, and I still remain there today!

My Struggle - Homosexuality vs. Christianity, Part IV - The Conclusion Of My Time At Baylor

It was the summer after my freshman year and over the last several months my life had taken a whirlwind 180 degree turn. I had become a Christian and begun attending church regularly the previous fall. Religiously attending if you will. I attended Sunday morning, Sunday evening, nightly prayer atop the parking garage, lifegroup (small community group) on Tuesday nights, and a weekly discipleship meeting on Thursday nights. My plate was full...too full. With all of this "effort" put into developing my walk, escaping the "affliction" of homosexuality, and becoming a solid "Christian", I ran out of steam...internally that is.

I was only one of two students from my graduating class to attend Baylor University. Many of my friends attended the University of Texas at Austin. At the end of an absolutely gut wrenching week at Baylor that summer, I decided to drive down to Austin to visit them and attend a party that was happening at one of the local apartment complexes there near campus. So Friday evening, I packed a bag and headed south to Austin.

I arrived and greeted my friends who were there. I was happy to see them, and the party was a great break from the troubles and stress that I was experiencing in my "walk" at Baylor. I walked back to get a refill on my drink and then I saw him. The person who would eventually occupy my life and heart for 2 1/2 years of my college career.

He stood 6'2 about 190 pounds or so. Dark hair and eyes. He had on a local fraternity shirt, even though he did not belong to one, sun glasses on top of his head, a white necklace around his neck, and two beers in his hand. Then came the words that began it all.

"...Hey my name is Brock. It's nice to meet you..."

As he offered me one of the beers, I responded.

"...My name is Matt. It's nice to meet you Brock..."

We drank beer and talked all night. I forgot about my friends and I didn't ask who he was with. I didn't tell him I was gay and I didn't ask if he was. It was just understood. There wasn't a gap in conversation. There wasn't anything we didn't seem to have in common. As the party began to break up hours later, I told him I had better get going. He asked how often I came down to Austin, and he gave me his number to call just in case I ever made it down again. The party broke up and I left with my friends. I did not see Brock the rest of the weekend and went back to Baylor with his number in my wallet.

Upon my return to Baylor, my life continued the same as it had before the trip to Austin. Church, eat, sleep, church some more. Brock and I spoke exactly one week after the party when I finally worked up enough courage to call him from a pay phone in our local student union (Yes it cost me a lot in quarters!). I bet I damn near spent 15 - 20 dollars on that call we talked so long.

Brock and I would proceed to speak to each other a couple times a month over the next 6 months or so. By the middle of my sophomore year we finally admitted to each other that we were gay, but both of us were uncomfortable with that revelation. I made a couple of trips to Austin over the next several months to visit my friends and Brock. Looking back, knowing Brock and having this outlet for my "gay" side helped keep me sane.

By the time my junior year rolled around, I was stretching myself to the limit. I was about to start leading a life group at my church and discipling several guys within the group. I had also just moved in with Samuel and Jabbar. And to add a little more stress, I had begun dating Brock officially. Neither Samuel nor Jabbar would know about this my entire college career. In fact, no one at Baylor was aware that I would date Brock throughout my junior and senior years. This was the biggest secret I had ever kept from them. And to this day, this secret still causes unrest for both Samuel and Jabbar on some levels. (More details on this later!)

During this period, there were times when I was still conflicted. I would talk with Samuel about wanting to be healed of homosexuality. Those prayers were probably filled with some truth, but were probably prayed out of desperation. After all, the stress of school, church leadership, secrecy of a relationship, and the stress of being a gay closeted Christian in a relationship was hard to manage.

By my senior year, Brock and I were going strong. When I was with him I was happy, I felt free to be who I was naturally and I felt no judgment, just love. It was at the beginning of my senior year, when I moved into a loft with two other leaders from my church that I knew I would eventually step down from leadership and leave the church. I could not find common ground. I could not be a gay leader in their church, but after being with Brock for so long I could not deny what I felt in my heart.

Halfway through my senior year, I left leadership, and I pulled back from the church.

For me, the most hurtful part of the entire process was what happened when I stepped down.


From the time I left leadership, the "friends" I had at the church suddenly didn't appear in my life as often. They became in the church, what you would call bar friends in the secular world. And looking back, I always gave more to my friends than I could ever have hoped to receive in return. Samuel can definitely attest to this. I would give, give, and give more to the people of my church, and felt nothing in return many times. The two lone exceptions were Samuel and Jabbar.

I never saw my other "so called friends" unless I was at church. They vanished from my life. And so bit by bit I vanished from theirs and found refuge in my relationship with Brock. Now I did not see Brock all the time. With both of us attending school and all of our commitments it was tough, but we made it work.

Graduation was coming upon us and both Brock and I knew that our relationship was coming to an end. He had to go to Los Angeles to pursue a career in film, and I had to move back to Dallas to be closer to my family. As heartbreaking as it was, we were both ok with it. We had grown so much together, and he still has a special place in my heart to this day!

As Brock and I said our goodbyes and I prepared for my move to Dallas, I suddenly had a revelation about God that would be the guiding principal for me during my time in Dallas.

This revelation would rank second in importance only behind my salvation experience 4 years prior in the stairwell of my dorm...

Saturday, July 23, 2005

My Struggle - Homosexuality vs. Christianity, Part III - The Secret Relationship

I entered my room to silence and was left by myself to comprehend what had just happened. I was in uncharted territory, and did not really know what to do. A thought came into my mind, that I should pray. Now realize, I had almost never prayed in my entire life outside of the monotonous prayer offered up sometimes before I scarfed down dinner at holiday gatherings.

I knelt down by my bed and prayed.

The specifics of my prayer remain far too personal and as such, shall remain forever a silent covenant between me and my Creator. Needless to say,when I stood up, my life would not and could not ever be the same again.

I walked across the hall and saw the two guys who had taken me on the Whataburger run along with several of our friends from the hallway. All I kept thinking to myself was:

..."They have no idea what I have just done!"

Thus began my Christian walk which would go strong for the next 4 years. This walk took me on many adventures and caused many wonderful people to come into my life, including one of my best friends Samuel (who I mention in my blog a lot!).

Now being at Baylor, one would assume that I would join a nice conservative Baptist church to attend. That was not the case...but it wasnt necessarily by my choice.

I began attending Highland Baptist Church. But it wasnt your typical Baptist Church. They danced in the aisles, they had a contemporary worhsip band with electic guitars and back up singers, they raised their hands during worship, and they spoke in tongues. So basically, in a sense I joined a pentecostal church. As a side note, this church would eventually grow into two churches: Highland Baptist Church and Antioch Community Church. I would join the latter!

I was a fireball, and I jumped in with ultimate abandon. I even spent my spring break (and every subsequent spring break in college) on a mission trip to Juarez, Mexico. I joined a small community group at church and developed many friendships at this church. My vacation period of euphoria would be short lived as the realities of life soon settled in.

You see...I had not yet come out as a gay man. And that struggle, while still small at this point was very real inside of me, and I did not know how to cope. Suddenly I was part of a group that would never accept that. I attemped to ignore and change that desire inside of me, but it would not relent.

Over the next year, I would pray, fast, and seek the help of God and eventually friends at church to combat this "affliction". I "confessed" it to my small group leader and even to his leader above him. We would pray and fast and seek freedom, but it never came.

I was now 19. It was the summer after my freshman year. I had just met Samuel along with our other friend Jabbar. These two friendships have proven to be the longest lasting and ultimately the best friendships in my life.
This summer would bring about an ultimate change in my life and would also see the beginning of the biggest secret I ever kept from Samuel and Jabbar...but its not what you think!

My Struggle - Homosexuality vs. Christianity, Part II - The Salvation Experience

The door slammed behind me at Martin Hall and it was like a different mind had been placed inside me. Everything that I had never known suddenly started filling my thoughts. I had never been to church, and never been taught the four spiritual laws, etc. I knew that Christianity believed that this guy named Jesus died on a cross but that was about it.

I did not know the meaning, the symbolism, the truth or reality behind it. I did not understand, comprehend it, or have any interest in it. But suddenly...for some reason...when that door closed behind me, it all made sense.

The old life had ended with the slamming of the door, and a new chapter had begun.

My thoughts were racing:

"Jesus died on the cross for me!"

"Jesus loves me!"

"Jesus sacrificed himself for the sins of the world including mine!"

"I need to accept this gift!"

"I need salvation!"

Now...for someone who had no experience in church and had almost never heard or experienced the use of such phrases, I was a little taken aback. I walked up the stairwell along with my two friends and we entered the hallway leading to our rooms.

My room was the very first one after you leave the stairwell. I was a little frustrated as I entered the hallway because I knew my roommate would be there. He was always there in the evenings. He never went out or hung out with friends at that points b/c it was near finals and he was busy preparing.

I wanted time by myself to process everything that had happened in the last minute. It felt like a lifetime. I walked up to my door and unlocked it with my card key. I entered into my room and was greeted by the best sound I had heard that night.


My roommate was gone...

Friday, July 22, 2005

My Struggle - Homosexuality vs. Christianity, The Beginning Of It All

One of my best friends Samuel always asks me the same question whenever we discuss the struggle many gay men face: the struggle between Homosexuality vs. Christianity.

The Question: Why do you not seem conflicted by the struggle?

I guess to give an accurate reflection on this I would need to go back many, many years. I have not really gone into great detail about this struggle with anyone. As my friend Samuel can tell you, I am a deeply private person who internalizes almost everything. I think long before I speak and even longer before I share my innermost feelings. So here goes.

I did not grow up in a Christian home. Enough said. Both of my parents grew up going to church but we did not past the age of 5 or so. Insert here my entire elementary, middle school, and high school years with no exposure to church. I graduate high school and I am off to Baylor University (Baptist capitol of the world!).

Why Baylor?...Definitely not b/c of the Baptists...b/c of their educational programs.

So I arrive at Baylor, the largest Baptist University, at the age of 18 having never really stepped foot inside a church in 13 years. I make friends with everyone on the hall of my dorm, and in particular two young gentleman whose names shall not be mentioned. I befriend these guys and grow closer as the months progress.

Fast forward to November. I still have not attended church, but everyone I know does. Not a shocker at Baylor, right? So one Sunday I attend with one of the afore mentioned gentleman to a nice conservative church called Woodway Baptist. The service is nice enough, but it doesn't necessarily hit me. What does hit me is the sincerity of my friend who took me.

Skip forward two weeks. It is now November 15, 1996. It is about 10:30 or so at night and the two guys I made mention of before ask me if I want to go to a late night Whataburger run with them. I say yes of course! (Love me some Whataburger!) We are in the drive thru line when the guy who is driving starts talking to our other friend about his uncle who is not a Christian but is very sick. My friend who is driving says that he is very worried about his uncle b/c his uncle is not "saved".

I looked at him (I was sitting in the front passenger seat) and I asked my friend if he was worried about me. Never before had one word hit me so deep to the core of my being. In that brief moment, the world around me literally froze (I am not kidding!) and all I heard was his answer:


For some reason I just went silent. I couldn't speak. I had never been that affected by church or anything else. I leaned my head up against the passenger window and rested there all the way back to the dorm.

We parked, and began walking to the dorm, but I lagged behind. One of my friends walked ahead and the other one (the driver checked on me!) He then said that if I ever needed to talk about anything I could always come to his room. I said thanks!

I caught up with the lead guy and walked up to the back door of the dorm and slid my ID card into the little card reader to unlock the door. I held the door open and allowed my two friends to walk in ahead of me.

As the door slammed shut behind me my life changed forever...

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Warning - BLOG Transition in Progress!

Have you ever had so much to say that nothing comes out.

So much emotion, so much feeling, but when it came time to express it.....nothing!

So much to show, so much time delving deep into your soul and wanting to bare it all before the world, and when you try....nothing!

You sit at your journal or you computer for hours waiting for it come out....but in the end all you get is....nothing!

It's know it is....just biding its time below the surface. You know its only a matter of time before it erupts.

I can feel it....

So This Is My Warning to You!

Gone are the days of opaqueness and darkness.

Arriving are the days of transparency and light!

This blog is about to get more real and more open!

Opinions will be expressed and walls will come down!

YOU have been warned....

So.......if you read this blog from this point on, don't complain, don't bitch, because ya know what...

I dont care.

This is MY attempt at honesty and a baring of my soul!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Conservatives - Really Starting to Piss Me Off

Ok...I used to be a Republican and I even voted for George W. Bush the first time. (yeah I know. I can hear all of you hissing right now!) But they are really starting to piss me off.

They are finally starting to show just how fickle and self serving they really are.

George W. Bush, their BELOVED Commander-in-Chief, the president who stands up for traditional marriage, and speaks out against abortion has nominated John Roberts to the Supreme Court. And what does the Conservative Right do...they bitch.

They bitch, bitch, bitch.

Bitch about everything that doesnt go EXACTLY like they want it. Well geez people, here is a quarter, go buy yourself a CLUE.

Not everything in life is gonna happen the way you want it. Just ask the Democrats that after the last 13 years in Congress since the Republicans took over.

But what is worse, they have influenced and pressured and lobbied President Bush to their causes and ideals and the first time he possible picks someone on the MODERATE side, they FREAK.

Everyone knows that Roberts is a conservative, but apparently its a problem when they are not a clone of Antonin Scalia or Clarence Thomas. (Obviously the two most conservative Justices on the Court!)

I think the Right needs to wake up. Your precious little conservative majority is safe on the Supreme Court. It is highly unlikely that this candidate for Supreme Court Justice will turn out like David Souter did. Souter was supposed to be a staunch conservative but turned liberal on the court.

Although all us Democrats can hope and pray the same goes for Roberts...

Speaking Out Your Ass - When To Keep Quiet

We all do it. We attempt to sound intelligent about a topic that we know nothing about. But let me offer this piece of advice:

When you dont know what you are talking about - SHUT UP!

and listen......

Perhaps you might just learn something. We are all guilty of it. And we have many motivations.

We want to be right.

We want to impress someone.

We want to feel more intelligent than we are.

But when we talk out our ass - we just end up looking stupid!

"It is better to be silent and thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt." -- Mark Twain

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Personality Traits - Which One Drives Me Crazy?

Ok I just have to blog about it. I have been thinking about this all day and was even talking to a good friend about it.

I consider myself a patient person. I worked with kids ages 4 - 14, many of whom had learning disabilities, so I have developed a high patience level over the years.

I have also developed a very tough skin. Not only through my friendship with Samuel but also through my job.

But despite all my patience, I cannot stand INSECURITY. It drives me nuts.

When someone is not secure in who they are, I will try to encourage, but at some point I will lose all patience. I am a firm believer that you make your own destiny.

If you do not like something about yourself, YOU need to change it. BE ACTIVE. BE PROACTIVE.

I just dont believe in pouting or feeling sorry about it. I am a big proponent of bettering yourself for YOU. Changing yourself to feel better about yourself...not b/c of what other people believe.

So if you find yourself being insecure, not liking something about yourself...dont complain and pout...DO something and change it.

Do it for YOU. and for no one else.

And if you are a friend, I will gladly listen. But I will direct you to a solution. I will not coddle and endulge self pity. I want to be active in helping my friends. :-)

Is this post a little harsh? I hope not. It is a deeper look at the honest me. I dont often let strangers into the inner parts of my life, heart, and/or mind.

I am there for anyone who I call friend. As we all should be.

Here's the 411 - Info about Me

Ok I recently read a post on a friends blog about this and I thought it was such a good idea, that I am stealing it. So here is some information on me to get to know me better.

* I am the youngest of 3 kids

* I was born in Irving, TX (the armpit of Texas!)

* I spent my formative years in Weatherford, TX

* I was Valedictorian of my High School

* My first car was a Delta 88

* I had two wolves as pets growing up

* Also had two chickens till the wolves ate them

* I used to be a republican

* I have never been overseas

* I lived in NC for 6 months

* I graduated from Baylor University

* I run 3 miles a day 4 times a week

* I taught myself to play guitar in order to lead worship at my church

* I went to college with Sam (link posted on the right)

* I led a cell group at a spirit filled non denominational church

* I have spoken in tongues (again see Sam's blog for more)

* I have had only one major relationship (probably the love of my life to this point)

* That relationship lasted for 2 1/2 years

* I spent every spring break on mission trips to Juarez, Mexico

* I now drive a Kia Optima (soon to be a honda accord)

* I love kids

* As I grow older, I appreciate my parents more

* Im concerned about our countries future

* I refuse to be a statistic in life

* I love coffee, and I am a major night owl

* My friends will say that I am faithful as no other

* I have known my friend Sam for almost 9 years

* I am not as close with my family as I want

College Flashback of Baylor - Are you Gay?

It was my freshman year at Baylor University. I arrived on the campus on the last day of welcome week. My dad had dropped me off and I walked back into my dorm room to start organizing my stuff. My roommate walks in and closes the door. He states that we need to talk. He sits on his bed across from me and says:

"I just have to ask. Are you gay?"

I was speechless. Damn! Could he tell already. I respond with a no, and he says:

"Good. I was just making sure!"

I always wondered what made him ask. He literally asked me within 5 minutes of meeting me. Was I that obvious or was he that homophobic.

I don't know and never really cared. I got along great with my roommate. He was a great guy. He had an AMAZING body too. He was Hispanic and hot as shit. I am sure he would freak out now if he knew I was typing this. ha ha. He asked me advice on how to score with an ex. We looked at gay porn together one day "just to see what it was like." Of course I already

But man..he was the coolest roommate anyone could have asked for. He stood up for me whenever I was down and never made me feel uncomfortable even though it became obvious that I was gay after a while.

Sometimes it truly isn't what people say that matters the most. It is how they act. My roommates words that first day told me he was homophobic and nervous about the topic. But his actions were those of a friend who supported and accepted me. I don't know where he is now, but in my heart I wish him all the best.

What Makes a Hot Guy HOT! - Hmmmm?

Tonight I was in line getting a Diet Coke from Wendys (my usual). I saw this F150 in front of me and I immediately scoped out the driver. I was talking to Sam on the phone and I asked him, "Why is it that I automatically check out drivers of Jeeps and F150s?" It's as if these things automatically make a guy hotter to me. So I started thinking about here. Here are some other things that make a guy HOT to me:

* Sandals/flip flops
* Sunglasses
* Necklaces
* Low cut abercrombie shorts (I know, I typical!)
* Arm band tatoos

Now this is not an all inclusive list - just a few things that if I notice I will automatically be drawn to check out a guy a little closer. We all have out little "likes" such as these. Just another benefit of being gay :-)

Monday, July 18, 2005

In Love With Being in Love - Many Times Unrequited

I was listening to this song tonight. You can listen to it below. Most of you probably know it. It made me start to really ask the question. How painful can unrequited love truly be to a person. It can drive a person insane. But more so than that, how much more can being in love with "being in love" drive you crazy. :-)

this is an audio post - click to play

Love is one of the most powerful, if not the most powerful emotion humanity possesses. It causes us to do amazing things, both good and bad. It can bring about the greatest happiness, but can just as easily send us into the greatest despair.

I think that many times people fall in love with the idea of being in love. It consumes them...takes them over. They long for that wonderful feeling to overtake them. The newness of a relationship. But after it is gone, they leave the relationship in search of that new, wonderful feeling again.

I think that I somewhat fall into this category. I am trying to change it. Learn to appreciate the simpleness of people. Appreciate the simple joys in life. We are all in a growing process...all on life's learning curve. the song says, "There will be no white flag upon my door."

Life - the battle is back on :-)

Life Change - Atlanta Here I Come???

I am thinking about moving to Atlanta.

The move could happen rather quickly.

As soon as next month.

Will know more soon.

Will keep you guys posted.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

High School Poetry - Flash From The Past

Wow - I was cleaning out an old box of papers today and I came across this poem that I submitted to a high school publication my senior year. This poem is very simplistic and not as complicated as some of the other poetry, short stories I have written, but it has always been my favorite. I don't know why...maybe b/c it was one of the first things I wrote. Hmmmm...well here it simple form and all....


The world closes around me
I don't know how to act
It stalks me every step of the way
It shows me what I lack

I try to run to no avail
It's always right behind me
I turn to the left, I turn to the right
It knows just where I'll be

It feeds upon the weak and poor
Taking whatever it can
Faster and faster it becomes
Feasting on all man

Never knowing who'll be next
It travels through our lives
Whenever one of us gets caught
A part of the world just dies

You never know where it is next
This sickening thing you never see
A bad disease without a name
This Uncertainty.

It will always be there
Stretching from land to land
At some point in our lives
We all fall prey to its evil hands

You try to escape
You try to flee
Suddenly you trip
And fall to your knees

Hoping it will spare your mind
Not knowing what to say
You keep thinking to yourself
There must be some other way

You try to think straight
Your mind isn's clear
You suddenly become distracted
By the cold and gripping fear.

You cannot stand the wait
You don't know what to believe
This chilling thing that has you
This Uncertainty

It has you in its grasp
It stares deep into your eyes
That chilling stare just kills you
And you suddenly break down and cry

You twist and you scream
With all of your might
Sending a shrilling noise
Throughout the peaceful night.

You start to scramble
Running down the street
You pray you do not fall
You want to stay on your feet

You find a dark alley
You have finally gotten away
But then you suddenly realize
It will be back another day

It never really stops
Someday you will see
This disease that catches all of us
This Uncertainty.

Yes....after reading it again, the stanza construction and rhyming pattern are among the most simple, but it is one of my favorites....again not sure why....

So there you have flashback to high school poetry writing...

Honesty - The Most Powerful Weapon

Isn't it ironic that sometimes the strongest weapon we have is not a knife, not a gun, not even a bomb shoved in the back of a van. Sometimes the strongest weapon we have is honesty.

Honesty can cut deeper than a knife, shoot more holes in our soul than a bullet, and destory the foundations of our lives and rock our world in a way that a bomb never could.

It causes the vain to see their flaws, and the powerful to see their weaknesses. It brings the strongest of men to their knees, and the richest of men to the welfare lines.

It is a weapon unlike any other that man possesses. It is not given strictly to the priviledged, but given to the massess of humanity.

What we choose to do with it, is a matter of our free will.

Friday, July 15, 2005

First Impressions Revisited - The Final Chapter here is the conclusion, the final chapter about the guy who made the interesting first impression on me. In short, we will not be hanging out anymore... so now let me give you the details.

Realize that I have talked to this person on the phone only 3 times and I have met him only once in person. Keep that in mind as i give you these details... after our 3rd phone call we decide to meet up at his place (which I drove 40 minutes to get to at 11:00 pm at night) and watch a movie. So we watch Kinsey (actually a really good movie). We talk, hang out, kiss a little - i have to give it to him...he is a good kisser. Now this is Wednesday night. He asks me to hang out on Thursday night. I say sure that should be ok and I go home.

Now the next day I get off work exhausted and fall asleep when i get home. He calls me and its around 8:30 or so. He asks if we can hang out. I exlpain that I am tired and I dont feel like driving. Now realize that I drove all the way out to his place the day before. He was exhausted too after working all day. And he proceeds to tell me that I dont have to work as hard as he does b/c he is on his feet all day so that is why he cant drive to me....hmmmmm....well needless to say we dont hang out b/c both of us are too tired.

Now we come to Friday. He had friends coming into town and asked me to go out with them. I told him that should be ok on wednesday forgetting that some of my friends here in dallas had already scheduled a little birthday dinner for me...Yikes...this one is my fault. I just simply double booked....I am sometimes I can take the heat on this one...I called him and got his voicemail so I also sent a text message explaining the situation. He texted me back that he had already changed plans on friday in order to hang out with me. I apologized back and said that I didnt realize he was going to have to change plans simply to hang out with me. He responded that he didnt have time for ignorant people and forgetful people and that he would make his own plans...hmmmm ( I am not sure why he changed plans when his friends were coming into town first...I wonder...did he change plans with them to hang out with me...that would mean in essence he did the same thing I did....hmmmmm)

We had an actual date schedule for the weekend but I assume that is now called off.. ha ha...

Ok - so from all this drama lets summarize some key points....

First and foremost let me say MY BAD for double booking on Friday night...BUT and this is a BIG BUT...i had only met this guy one time and unfortunately my friends (who had originally planned a dinner for me first) had to come first. I apologized which was all I could do, but I understand this is my screw up....

Second - it seems that he got way too attached after just one visit. Even though I had to cancel on Friday night, I was NOT the main event of that evening anyway. He had friends coming into town to hang out with him ALL night. I was simply going to tag along. He could have simply hung out with his friends and we gone on our date on saturday. I think he had a right to be upset that I double booked, but his reaction was way overboard in my opinion. I mean...I am NOT all that...and he already had friends to hang out with all evening. I think he should have been able to understand...

Thirdly - I am not so sure I need to be dating someone who gets that attached that quickly. I would probably disappoint him anyway, because I have become an extremely INDEPENDENT person. I need, want, and desire my own time and can be very spontaneous in my planning. Yes, it is prob hard to date me, so I bare some of the responsibility for that...but I think there has to be some understanding and flexibility when these situations arise. I dont believe that spazzing out and creating more drama adds any good to the situation.

So anyway....there closes another chapter in my crazy dating life. This guy was very cute, a great kisser, seemed like a sweet guy. It just appeared he got way too attached too quickly.... play my own devil's advocate (b/c even I have the ability to be honest)---

Maybe I made a bad impression by not being to follow through on my plans Friday night...hmmmmm....yes it is a possibility....

Insecurity - A Nasty Little Virus

I hate insecurity. Im sure most people do. It infects you and just want let go. Now I can sympathize with people who are insecure. I used to be extremely insecure about everything from my opinions to my body image.

Over the years that has changed. Although I wish I was in better shape, I am fine with my body the way it is. I am currently on a plan to get in better shape but I am doing it for ME, and not out of insecurity concerning what OTHER people think.

And as far as my opinions are concerned, if ya dont like em, that is perfectly OK. They are not going to get shaken b/c a few people disagree.

But I was thinking about this earlier this morning. Why is insecurity so devastating to us as individuals. I believe it takes away just that. It takes away our ability to be individuals. It makes us conform to the ideas, the stereotypes, the standards of those around us, and erases all creativity, all ingenuity, and all independence from our thought process.

Insecurity tells us that we are no one if not accepted. Nothing if not part of the group. It attacks the very core of who we are and what we believe in. It can make us change our ideas and even our way of life. It is nothing more than emotional or psychological peer pressure placed upon us by our own feelings.

It can be a relentless, undaunted attack 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Never letting up, never slowing down. So what is the answer....

To be honest with you, I dont know. I could give you one of the generic answers such as:

'Be more confident' - what are the practical steps for that.

'Take more pride in who you are' - again give me practicality - this is too nebulous

'Believe in yourself' - hmmmmm....again same problem...

Maybe the answers are so nebulous b/c the problem is just that as well. Maybe it's possible to nail down an even that caused us to be insecure, but insecurity is something of a nebulous feeling that attacks without warning. So maybe the solution has to be along those same lines.

I dont know how I got over the major insecurity issues in my life. I guess it just took time and learning who I was as a person (again a nebulous answer!). But...I think it is time we took pride in who we are and what we think regardless of outside opinions...

Embrace everything about you...the good, the bad, and even the ugly....

It all contributes to who you are...

And when you hear that little voice in your head that says you aren't good enough or you need this or you need that....just tell it what you would tell last years boyfriend....

"Fuck off bitch..I'm better than you now..."

Not a Morning Person - Am I Really depressed?

I had been diagnosed with depression back in college. I have not suffered with it too much since being here in Dallas. The other day while I was carpooling to work with my buddy D, I suddenly thought, "What if I am not depressed. What if I am just NOT a morning person."

Sounds stupid right? I know...

Well, every morning I wake up, get dressed, car pool to work and start my day off basically feeling the same way I did when I was suffering from depression. I get to work, check my voicemail and write down all 21 messages i rec'd since leavnig work at 6 pm the previous day (arg)...and my day is off...

But usually by afternoon, I am all better. Maybe my body has adjusted, maybe subconsciously I know I only have a few hours left, so I start to feel better...

But all I know is that after lunch my day is 10 times better.

So I wonder....Am I really depressed or am I just NOT a morning

Stupid question, but at 12:48 am (I wonder why I am tired in the mornings lol) what else can you think about but random stuff....

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Trash and Rabbits - Odd Similarities

I was looking around my apt today and I had the craziest thought.

Trash and rabbits have some ODD similarities.

For instance, they both multiply in record numbers without anyone realizing it. Suddenly one day you look around and they are everywhere.

Also, they both have a tendancy to blend in with and become part of their surroundings to where you dont always recognize they are there. How many of us have one day walked into our apt and wondered "Why didn't I realize this place was so damn filthy before?"

Thirdly, they both seem harmless, but can really screw you over. These "harmless" little additions can wreck havoc on an otherwise peaceful land. Ask the farmer who loses all his crops, or the gay boy whose date wont call him back b/c of the roaches in the apt??? hmmmm....

Well the only thing that needs to multiplying in my apt is me...but wait...since I am gay I guess that wont be happening either...oh well....

I need to take out the trash....

First Impressions - Misleading, Deceiving, Or Irrelevant! many of you have read my previous posts about the guy who made the absolute worst possible first impression I have ever experienced. If you did not, then please scroll down and check it out...then continue on with this post.

Needless to say, I kept talking to him on the telephone, and we decided to hang out last night and watch a movie. The impression I got from him in person was completely, utterly, 100% different than how he was online and on the telephone.

Perhaps it had more to do with the fact that it was ONLINE and the TELEPHONE rather than IN PERSON.

But that leads me to this basic question:

What do you guys think of First Impressions?

In your experience, are they misleading or true insight into the person?

Let me know...

P.S - me and that guy have a date tonight....

P.P.S - right now I am eating CROW Samuel - happy??? :-)

Love you guys,


Insomnia - Unable to Sleep

Have any of you ever gone thru a period of Insomnia.

When no matter what you do, you just CAN'T fall asleep.

I am aflicted with this for some reason. As of right now, I have had 2 1/2 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. It is killing me!

Does anyone have any natural remedies that they have found to be of value. The usual tylenol PM, etc does not work on me.

Thanks guys


Tuesday, July 12, 2005


Today is my birthday!

I am 27 years old!

Thanks for the phone call Sam (link posted to the right)!!!!

Thanks for everyone who wished me a happy birthday already!

Love you guys


Bad First Impressions - Part II

Ok...So he did call back....and this conversation went as well as the first one....

Me: "How was the shower?"

Idiot: " that the word?"

Me: "Yes...that is the word."

Idiot: "Yeah...took a shower...masturbated..."

I was speechless at this point...ha ha.....

Me: "So how many roommates you have?"

Idiot: "Just best friend."

Me: "Cool..."

Idiot: "So hey..can I give you a call back after I am done eating?"

Me: "Sure."

Idiot: "Ok..bye." I guess there will have to be a 3rd entry for the next phone call if that happens....I will say...this guys is very very cute....he just isnt making the best impression...what do you guys think...

Stay tuned for the update on our next conversation.....

Monday, July 11, 2005

Speaking of Bad First Impressions - The Worst One Yet!

OK...I did not think this would actually ever happen. So my phone rings this evening and it is this guy who gave me his number yesterday when we were chatting online. He asked me to call him last night before I went to bed so I did.

I gave him a call and left my name and number for him to call me back. He did not call back last night. Instead he calls today....that is ok.....

So I answer the phone and say hello.....and.......well.....i just need to type this shit out for you to read it....

Me: "Hello?"

Idiot: "Is Matt there?"

Me: "This is he."

Idiot: "Hey Matt. This is "Idiot"!"

Me: "Hey "Idiot", how are you doing?"

Idiot: "Good...What are you up to?" it sounds like it is going well - nice normal just goes downhill from here.....

Idiot: " was your screenname?"

Me: "On"

Idiot: "Yeah..."

Me: " you dont know who I am?"

Idiot: "Well...I just didn't remember giving out my number."

Me: "How many guys you give your number too?"

I proceed to give him my screenname to look up...

Idiot: "You probably think I am the biggest asshole right now."


Me: "Hey man...who I am to judge - be yourself."

Idiot: "Cool..."

So he proceeds to place me on hold for not one call..but two calls...LOL - he finally clicks over and proceeds to sign onto but cant find my screenname signed online....ugh

I proceed to spell it out for him again. I finally have to IM him so he can see my profile...

Idiot: "Ohhh..thank God its you?" are you thinking what I am thinking? Thank god its me??? Is he giving his number out to crazy people (like I have apparently?)"

Idiot: "So I was about to take a shower. I will give you a call when I am done with the shower and If you are up to no good, you can come over."

Hmmm...I dont remember asking if i could...or even implying that I wanted to come over...hmmmmm

Me: said as chuckling "Ok bro..."

Idiot: "Talk to you in a few..."

Me: "Bye." people what is the moral of this story --- try, try, try to remember who you give your number to...and at least fake it when you are talking to them. DO NOT put them on hold to look up a profile on and then just come out and ask for sex...OMG

This has to rank as one of the worst first impressions...EVER....

Where are all the normal guys????

I will blog about his second call after the shower once it happens...IF it ever happens LOL :-)

Love you guys


Daily Routine - Comfort in Consistency!

Today did not start off as a good day. I went to bed late b/c of my chronic insomnia. I overslept b/c I did not fall asleep until 4:00 am. I woke up at 7:15, and I am supposed to pick up my car pool buddy at 7:20. (Does anyone else see a problem here?)But somehow on the drive in with my carpool buddy D (check out prior link here:
  • An Awesome Car Pool Buddy
  • everything calmed down. Stopped for taquitos as Whataburger (Yum!) arrived at the office only 20 minutes late and our day began.

    By midmorning, it had gone downhill. 25 phone messages later, 15 screaming customers making me deaf, and too many new files to investigate...the day seemed like a losing battle. Lunch was long forgotten and by mid afternoon I was dead to the world. Then suddenly in a matter of minutes, I settled 3 files, cleaned another 4 off my desk, and WOW - I could actually see my desk. The world calmed down.

    By 5:00 (with a couple phone messages not returned - argh!!!) I was ready to leave - defeated by another day of missed goals and frustrating negotiations. Then the carpool home brought about more relaxation. Its a time when both D and I vent. Vent about customers, about our jobs, take a deep breath, and then talk about what makes us happy, or what we want out of life. He talks about his new baby on the way. It always ends with a smile and a "I'll see ya tomorrow mornign!"

    I get home to relax and enjoy the evening with my dinner and safety and comfort of my tiny little apartment. It has become a typical routine. One that I am growing fond of day by day.

    Saturday, July 09, 2005

    Conversationally Dominant? - The Opposite of Shy Guy

    So a few posts back I discussed the difficulty of meeting someone who has nothing to add to the conversation.

    Well I have recently experienced a new species in the animal kingdom. He has been around for a while, but it is has been a long time since I had interaction with him.

    I believe the subspecies category is I-am-going-talk-the-whole-time-about-myself-because-I-am-that-great-and-I-know-you-only-want-hear-about-me-and-you-dont-want-me-to-ask-you-any-questions-to-get-to-know-you-saurus.

    I know - that is mouth full - i am suprised Encyclopedia Brittanica actually had a page on this animal.

    I mean damn - come on - no matter how great you are, how exciting you think you might be, every now and then lets all learn to shut up for just a little bit and let the other person talk. I mean how are you going to get to know the other person if ya never let them speak.

    Oh..and the afore-mentioned member of the animal kingdom...after he was done talking he was like...

    Him: "Ok..your turn."

    I respond: "What?"....

    He says "Tell me about you."

    I respond, "So it appears we are having two monologues instead of a dialogue I see."

    Ugh - where are the people who know how to have an engaging conversation without dominating, without monopolizing, and without only talking about themselves....


    So...anyway back to me and my needs..... :-)

    Thursday, July 07, 2005

    First Impressions - Have People Forgotten How To Make A Good One?

    So most of us have jobs. Some of us even like or love our jobs. But all of us NEED our jobs no matter what they are.

    Now almost everyone by now knows I work in insurance. They know that I am an adjuster. But it is always interesting to tell new guys that I meet in person or talk to online b/c I love hearing their reactions.

    When you first meet someone, you should want to make the best possible impression. You should respect the other person and simply learn about them without judgement, without attack.

    But, I am always amazed at what some people say!

    On more than one occasion, I have had guys go off for 20 minutes or more about how they hate insurance companies, even my company by name, and even adjusters in general.

    I am like....HELLO! MCFLY!!! You are talking to me for the first time and you are bitching about my profession, even my company, and even me in general. Do you think this is scoring you points? Do you want me to bitch about whatever "9 to 5" has you trapped? Would you like me to tell you all the negative things about your corporation.

    I mean come on...have people truly forgotten how to make a good impression.

    What really cracks me up is that after they finish their rant...I am usually just silent. And they are like..."Hello??" "Are you there?". I respond with a simple yes b/c what am I supposed to say to such stupidity. If you dont like my job then hang up on me, hell dont even talk to me...but dont make me listen to your pathetic gripes...b/c ya know what...I listen to people like you ALL DAY LONG.

    Then they wonder why I dont call back....hmmmmmmm.....

    And P.S. - on most days I love my job b/c the people I work with are wonderful. The job itself can be tough, but it can also be rewarding every now and then! Even I have to admit that.

    Customer Service Nightmare - Cell Phone Repair..Round One!

    So most of my friends know that my cell phone is not working right now. For some reason the volume is not working so I cannot hear people when they call and they cannot hear me when I dial out. So needless to say I am phoneless. Now anyone who has a cell phone (which should be almost everyone these days) knows that not having a working cell phone can be crippling.

    So I decide today to go to the local verizon store to have my phone looked at or just simply buy a new one. The phones they have there are rather expensive from what I saw online so I thought I would take a chance at the in store technician.

    I arrive at the local store at 6:15 (the store is open until 9:00 pm) and the salesperson being so friendly b/c he wants my money greets me and says hello. I explain the situation and he directs me to the technician without even trying to sell me a new phone. I thought this was rather nice of him. Its definately cheaper to have the phone repaired than to buy a new one.

    So I walk to the back of the store and I wait in a line of 3. The guy walks up and calls me up to the desk area and I explain my problem to him. He takes my phone and opens it up. He looks at it for a minute and walks further behind the counter to a computer. He then walks back and tells me the problem:

    Technician: "There is a system upgrade that you need."

    Me: "Ok...that is cool."

    Technician: "I can see what the problem is and the upgrade should fix it. The only problem is that I am about to leave and no one else here knows how to do the upgrades so you will have to come back tomorrow."

    My jaw drops. I cant believe that he did that. And even worse he hands me the phone and begins escorting me forward to the front of the store to the door!

    Am I being escorted out of the store!


    So...the saga continues....I look back at the employees standing at the counter and I roll my eyes and slam open the door and walk to my car. I am so frustrated I wait in my car. I wait for over 15 minutes and the technician does not even leave the store.

    So I guess him leaving the store soon did not mean within the next 15 minutes.

    I mean if you are about to leave the store, then why in the hell did you even ask me the question "HOW CAN I HELP YOU?" This is what I call halfway service....he halfway helped me.

    He knew what my problem was. He knew how to fix it. He just didnt have the time. Apparently I as the customer had to work around his schedule. I dont think so. Letters will be going out my friends. Phone calls will be made.

    And anyone who knows me.....knows that I am NOT one to ever complain. I NEVER want to raise a stink in a business but this I cannot let go.

    I think this is the worst example of customer service I have ever experienced.

    What do you guys think?

    Wednesday, July 06, 2005

    So Shy They Can't Talk - It Can Be Painful

    So what do you do when the person you are having dinner with says NOTHING.

    And I dont mean nothing in the sense that they arent saying anything important. I mean literally nothing. Not a sound. Not a peep. Not a damn syllable or even breath. It can absolutely painful.

    I recently experience that with this hot guy. I have always thought he was so damn hot. We had dinner tonight but he didnt talk at all. He did not ask me one single question. I asked all the questions and kept the conversation going. When I stopped talking the conversation ended.

    Now after we finished eating, I got the impression that he would have hung out more but there isnt a lot to do on a Wednesday night in Dallas. He told me to call him and suggested at one point we could do something on Friday since there wasnt a lot going on tonight. He truly is a nice guy, but it totally threw me off....

    But I could not help but wonder during dinner...was he not curious to learn anything about me? Or is he just that painfully shy? hmmmm......

    what do you guys think?

    Confidence - The Ultimate Sexual Quality?

    So i was talking to this guy online tonight who I have seen out at the clubs for years. We even ran in the same circle for a while a few years back. Well tonight he tells me the following:

    Him Typing : " i wanted to point out that you had a certain bit of confidence about you when i saw you on saturday. I've met you before and didn't notice it. I really liked it..."

    For all of our weight lifting, our running, our focus on clothes, etc....could it be that simply having confidence goes even further.....

    What do you guys think?

    What matters more? Physical or Confidence

    And which is more attractive to you?

    Life - I Don't Really Wanna Fight No More

    Have you ever reached that point that you just don't wanna fight any more.

    I went out tonight for my evening run. I am finally getting off my ass and working out. I am going to bust my ass and keep in shape and you all are gonna keep me accountable....

    But back to the focus of my blog...

    I am at a point where I have no more energy to fight with life anymore. I throw my hands up. I waive the white flag and place it above my door. I feel like I have been fighting with life for far too long about what I want from it. I am calling a truce with my spouse (Life). The banner of peace is being lifted.....I think it's time to let go and let Life be Life....I think our relationship will be much better if I do....

    I think Tina Turner said it best....

    There's a pale moon in the sky
    The kind you make your wishes on
    Like the light in your eyes
    The one I built my dreams upon
    It's not there any longer
    Something happened somewhere
    And we both know why
    But me, I'm getting stronger
    We must stop pretending
    I can't live this life

    I don't care who's wrong or right
    I don't realy wanna fight no more (Too much talking babe)
    Let's sleep on it tonight
    I don't really wanna fight no more (This is time for letting go)

    I hear a whisper in the air
    It simply doesn't bother me
    Can't you see that I don't care
    Or are you you looking right through me
    Seems to me that lately
    You look at me the wrong way and I start to cry
    Could it be that maybe
    This crazy situation is the reason why

    I don't care who's wrong or right
    I don't reaaly wanna fight no more (Too much talking babe)
    Let's sleep on it tonight
    I don't really wanna fight no more (Tired of all these games)
    But baby don't you know
    That I don't wanna hurt no more (It's time, I'm walking babe)
    Don't care now who's to blame
    I don't really wanna fight no more (This is time for letting go)

    Hanging on to the past
    It only stands in our way
    We had to grow for our love to last
    But we just grew apart
    No, I don't wanna hurt no more

    But baby don't you know
    No I don't wanna hurt no more (Too much talking babe)
    Don't care now who's to blame
    I don't really wanna fight no more (Tired of all these games)
    I don't care who's wrong or right
    I don't really wanna fight no more (It's time, I'm walking babe)
    So let's sleep on it tonight
    I don't really wanna fight no more (This is time for letting go)

    Tuesday, July 05, 2005

    Learning From Our Mistakes - Tough to Do!

    Learning from our own mistakes can be the hardest thing to do.

    Even though we know that we are flawed and make mistakes every day, we can become frozen when actually confronted with our short comings. And I would venture to say that it hurts us more when we are confronted by someone we actually respect and admire.

    There is a new guy at my office. He is great. He is a wealth of knowledge about insurance and I have learned a lot about him, and I have a great time with him in our unit. I am really glad that he is a part of our office.

    Sparing you all the drama, he basically told me today that in some respects I was unprofessional. Now at first, I was shocked. Then my shock turned to confusion. Then my confusion turned to hurt when I realized he was serious. Then my hurt turned to angry defiance. And now, my angry defiance has turned into acceptance and understanding.

    I joke a lot and I have a great time at work. I try to lighten up the unit. I mean after all, we ARE insurance adjusters so our jobs are naturally stressful anyway.

    But like many good hearted people my joking can be carried too far. So instead of being upset, pissed off, or depressed, I am going to take what he said and try to improve and make myself a better employee. Sometimes its best to take everything in that someone says to you. Discard what isnt applicable and take the truth and build upon that. And then simply grow and move on. So that is what I am going to do.

    No longer am I going to take advantage of our dress code. I am a major offender. I do not dress business casual monday - thursday and casual on friday. I dress CASUAL all week long. From now on, I will dress like the business professional that I actually am.

    No longer will I take advantage of my managers flexibility with my schedule. Everyone else in my unit is on set schedule so I should be too. It's only fair. I work the same amount of hours, but they tend to change quite consistently. Plus I know that if I had an emergency my manager would completely understand. So I will respect all my co-workers and have a set schedule as well.

    No longer will I push a joke further than necessary. Sometimes a joke is good for one laugh and that is it. Bringing it up again might do more harm than good.

    I want everyone in unit to have a great time at work. I want us to be friends and I want us to all be equals that help each other out.

    Even though this guy's comments today came across as harsh, there was truth in them I think. I think I have grown so lax at my job b/c I have worked with the same people for so many years and we all love each other and get along so well.

    So yes, I choose to take the truth out of his comments and build upon them to make myself a better employee. I believe this guy has a good heart so I will run with that as my basis of belief.

    It is difficult to take criticism. Just ask my friend Samuel (isnt that right Sam?) But this time I choose to take it and make the best out of it...

    Love you guys,