My So Called Life - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Embrace life -- both the sweet days and the bitter...embrace the joy and the sadness...the successes and the defeats -- for all of these things, both good and bad, have made you who you are.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

So Much To Share - No One To Listen

I could not post about this topic for a few days. I wanted to write and write for days about it, but for some reason the words just would not come. I am not sure why. I think this topic hits me more than any other topic I could ever think to write about on here. This is not about depression...I am far from depressed. It is about knowing that when you have a tough time, there will be people in your life to support you. I look at my life and wonder...where the hell are they...

I think I first felt that way when I was in the church. Ironically the relationships I developed in the church (outside of my current friendship with Samuel) were by far the most surface friendships I ever had. There was no one that I actually was able to share the tough things I was going through. My friendships were structed by the church and were locked into this cookie cutter format based on confession, prayer, and discipleship time. But there was no true sharing or true understanding or true connection with the other person.

Its funny how some things in life seem to follow you through life. To this day, when I examine my life, I see that in those tough times I retreat to myself. I sometimes scroll though my phone, hoping to find someone to call...but the people I know are emotinally unavailable for that kind of support. Funny how the same struggles seem to follow you through life. Even Sam can affirm this, it is very difficult for me to find relationships that find level footing where the effort is a two way street.

And now at this point in my life, I have no one to blame but myself. I have felt emotionally alone for so long that I usually do not allow other people to get close because I do not believe they actually want to listen. So now I find myself in a perpetual endless cycle of wanting something that I do not allow myself to have. Of wanting to have someone there to listen and be able to support me, yet not allowing anyone the opportunity to try.

13 Comments:

  • At 4:37 PM, Blogger Jess and Josh said…

    Some of us are listening!

     
  • At 5:14 PM, Blogger Annie said…

    Matthew's a tease.. I'll take whatever's behind curtain number 3.

     
  • At 11:35 PM, Anonymous rainhawk said…

    We are a curious species in that we lack the ability to let another person know we are really listening.

    Sometimes, we have to depend on our own "Insular Tahiti."

     
  • At 1:10 PM, Blogger BRETTCAJUN said…

    Okay, it's enough about you... now about me. To look at my jiggy dance, try this:

    Open Apple Quicktime and click on File.

    Click on Open URL. When it asks you to enter a URL to open, copy and paste this: http://brettcajun.podomatic.com/enclosure/2006-06-28T16_13_01-07_00.m4v

    Sorry for putting this on your own blog, BUT I cannot email you on Michael's laptop. A popup blocker is blocking my aol access.

     
  • At 1:11 PM, Blogger BRETTCAJUN said…

    Oh, and I had to delete REAL player from Michael's Dell laptop because it tried to play every movie first.

     
  • At 7:13 PM, Blogger The_Gay_Dude said…

    Well u do have a lot of people listening....but I understand the feeling of having no one in your black book to call....believe, me....I understand.....All of us partnered or unpartnered.....are all alone when it comes down to it....It's been sobering a few times in my life when there was no one to turn to.....who would understand me and actually listen....but I hear ya loud and clear!

     
  • At 10:58 PM, Anonymous nettie said…

    Wow. I'm not sure what to say...except you're not alone, and thanks for sharing.

     
  • At 1:27 AM, Blogger savante said…

    Well, for all that we now have blogging :) ANd you can be assured that you're not alone and the world's listening.

    Paul

     
  • At 1:40 AM, Blogger Annie said…

    You bring up an important point Matthew that I don't think I could cover in this comment section, but I think I'll post it in my blog so that I don't clutter yours. I read your post and I came up with my version of the problem in our society, then another theory came to mind, then another. It really had me think. In a nutshell, I've come to realize that this is the kind of culture we're all learning to live in and accept. Like I said in my email to you, Life is a journey - a road trip and the people we meet along the way should be acknowledged and it doesn't hurt to compare road maps. Through my journey of going through rough roads, mountain peeks and deserts, there is no ONE best friend that can be an all encompassing ' friend' who will listen to us on every aspect of our lives. I think it's humanly impossible. The only ones that I can think of are the professional friends that you pay money for, they call themselves therapists or psychologists. I could write more, but all the ideas in my head are boggled and I'll try to post it in my blog if you're interested in reading my theory. Thanks for the thought provoking words. Like the others, I'm listening too.. I talk a lot, but hey, I'm a girl, it's hormonal. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. :D

     
  • At 9:05 AM, Blogger Jim said…

    Maybe its more that your cycle is wanting something that you no longer believe exists. Self-preservation against any tear-down of disappointment.

    It does exist, Matt, its just very rare.

     
  • At 12:52 PM, Blogger Matthew said…

    Jim - good point - probably true!

     
  • At 8:12 PM, Blogger Stammhirnlied said…

    What to share, how much to share and whom to share it with... It comes to all of us every now and then, to realise that some great friendships (and relationships) held aren't quite what we expected them to be. On the other hand to be emotionally available also comes at dear price - who hasn't put himself out there for someone else and got a pie the face? What can we do? We constantly seek out for meaning and for truth in others forgetting the pesky little detail that their POV's and personal mores are complex and quite often unlike our very own. It does feel sometimes like we are ALL ALONE and up to the eye-balls in fear of commiting the tiniest mistake. Take a gamble! Life is made prettier by the outcomes we didn't predict... or expect. And yeah, we hear ya!

     
  • At 2:25 AM, Blogger Scotty said…

    I felt that way for a long time...I am sure my church life played a big part in it.

    Know that there ARE PEOPLE that want to listen and you HAVE to let your guard down man. Life has to be lived.

     

Post a Comment

<< Home