My So Called Life - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Embrace life -- both the sweet days and the bitter...embrace the joy and the sadness...the successes and the defeats -- for all of these things, both good and bad, have made you who you are.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

What Is Up With Me Lately - Not My Normal Self

I do not know what has been up with me lately. I have been incredibly down in the dumps and I am not totally sure why. I do make an effort throughout my day to stay positive and look at the bright side of things, but as of late it has been incredibly difficult to do.

Work is not the problem at all. Work has not been a source of stress for me for a few months now. It is actually refreshing. I could go on and on about how people amaze me with how petty and rude they are capable of being, but that would not help the situation.

I think even though my job is not stressful, I am not sure I feel fulfilled at my job. I know that I am damn good at my job...but being good at something does not necessarily mean that you are fulfilled in doing it. I do not know what I would want to do besides my current job. I enjoy many aspescts of it...oh well

Part of it is that I have this itch to start dating again. I do not mean dating around wtih lots of guys on tons of first dates. I mean finding that one guy that I seem to have a connection with and running with it to see if something can grow out of it. I have been single for years now and I am ready to jump back in the saddle...so to speak..

I guess part of it is the situation with my friendships. The one solid friendship I have right now in Atlanta is my roommate Sam. We have been through so much together that I could not imagine my life without his friendship. He and I talked the other night about that and we both understand there may come a day when we are not in each others lives...I can honestly say that would sadden me in ways I could not express in words.

But apart from Sam...there is no one here in Georgia...my two other closest friends are in Texas and Colorado...I just had this image that after being in Atlanta for at least a year I would have some solid friends...ya know...I have some friends here it is true...but I guess I imagined something deeper than what I have. I am sure some of them will probably read this blog. And it is my desire that they not be offended at what I am saying. I enjoy hanging out with everyone I know here in Georgia...I guess it is not that I do not have any friends...it is more that I expected more out of this city after 1 year...

I have no plans to leave Atlanta...despite it all I love this city...I enjoy the office I work in...and the people I do know are quality...

Ya know...now that I think about it...I think that I am my own worst enemy...I think I keep people from getting too close to me...I limit what people know about me...I only let people in so far before I close the door. That is my own fault

So I guess part of the problem is me...I think I will make a more concerted effort to be more transparent. To let others in more into my life. I think that would help how I feel about my friendships and my life. After all...every dark cloud has a silver lining.

10 Comments:

  • At 12:22 AM, Blogger steve'swhirlyworld said…

    Thanks for sharing a very personal part of your life. I think there are a lot of people in your situation.

    Now that you think you're ready to date again, understand that you may have to be in a lot of "saddles" before you find the right cowboy, but don't give up. Go into it knowing that you might meet Mr. Right or possibly make a new friend out of it. It's not always easy to put yourself out there, but I think it's easier than staying home alone. Good luck!

    Steve

     
  • At 8:23 AM, Blogger Jim said…

    Trying to analyze the dating thing is endless and will drive you mad, I know this from experience :)

    Just continue to be your wonderful self and focus on other things that make you happy.

    See you soon!

     
  • At 10:31 AM, Blogger Ryan Charisma said…

    It's Atlanta. It really is.

    I lived there and honestly, I found the people dumb and repressed. Beautiful, but not so bright. Now is that a sweeping generalization. Sadly, yes. But true. Never have I been in a city where it was ok to be gay as long as you didn't speak about it.

    Whatever, come to NYC and have some fun. I promise - you'll find pleanty of saddles here. And people actually can think on their own here, without the hinderance of their "hospitable" upbringing and religon.

    My best to boys at the Vortex & Steam!

     
  • At 12:48 PM, Blogger Stammhirnlied said…

    Hey Mat, I was reading what you said about trying to stay positive and look on the bright,(ilusory or not ) shiny spots. It always puts me in mind of Monty's Life of Brian and that unflappable and contagious tune :) There's nothing wrong about you being a little reserved and if you force yourself to open up to other folks, independent of how relevant they may be, u might end up going against your own natural grain and somewhere down the line start to feel yourself a bit fake. There's not much gain either on expecting your friends to give or be towards you as much as you give or are towards them. People work at different paces and wavelenghts, so if they are ever to become "more" in your life, I suppose they'll do it on their own time and quite likely not yours. Positive is not as positive thinks, rather as Positive does, so why not hang around different places doing different things for a change of own pace? Yoga or Kung-fu classes, on my personal experience, are great for the mind, for the body and for making new friends. Chances are that there are as many Mr. Right(s) who hang around Gscenes, as there are those who won't go there if you pay them - myself included :) Bottom line mate, is that there ain't anything wrong with your mind or behaviour. You are just part of that massive gene pool of people who haven't come across an interesting other yet. Bid your time, enjoy life and singledom, because the moment you power up that light inside of yourself, others will definitely spot it :)

     
  • At 4:46 PM, Blogger deanos said…

    I think you are an awesome person to be able to share something so personal on your blog. You say you hold back and are not transparent, but yet you divulge so much so many times on here. I think you are definitely your worst enemy, and if you allowed it, you would have swarms of friends. I know just by reading you for the past month or so, I would love to make a 'friend' connection with you. If only more people were as open as honest as you, life would be a bit easier for all of us and the feelings you are experiencing right now could be avoided. Hang in there darlin, good things will happen for you soon.

     
  • At 12:59 PM, Blogger David said…

    Its a case maybe of the grass always being greener, when youre alone you want to be with someone, when youre with someone you crave your independance and personal space.
    We're never satisfied are we!

     
  • At 8:55 PM, Blogger Scotty said…

    I imagine it would be hard to pick up and start over somewhere else. Give it time...I am sure some of those friends you have now will get closer in time!

     
  • At 12:07 PM, Blogger BRETTCAJUN said…

    Matthew... we would be best buds if I lived in Atlanta. I know we would. Now BF's? I would have to hand you and Sam a broom and make you clean up that appartment before I would consider it. ;)

     
  • At 5:18 PM, Blogger Matthew said…

    Brett, Brett Brett - you are always making fun - ha ha :-)

     
  • At 9:47 AM, Blogger N2D33P said…

    Hang in there man... you're not alone with your feelings, others go through the same thing. Try to keep positive. Even in the darkest of nights, there's hope that the sun will shine tomorrow.

     

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