My So Called Life - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Embrace life -- both the sweet days and the bitter...embrace the joy and the sadness...the successes and the defeats -- for all of these things, both good and bad, have made you who you are.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

I Saw My Ex Tonight - And I Was Devastated

I am sitting here at my computer. A mixture of sadness and anger fills me.

I saw my ex tonight - the one that I blogged about earlier. The one that made out with several guys in front of me. I saw him tonight at the Round Up, the local gay country bar. Was he really an Ex? Well that is debatable. To me he was b/c my feelings for him were so strong. I usually don't develop such strong feelings but I did. In any case......

I saw him and I was devastated.

I thought I was over him. I had not seen him since we had parted ways over a month ago. I saw him tonight and I immediately felt a sense of loss...a sense of wanting to be able to kiss him, to hold him, to be with him again. I found myself watching him in the bar...wanting to know where he was going and who he was talking to.

Now for anyone who knows me, they will tell you that this is NOT the usual me. I am usually not so attached to people. He was a special one. He got inside my heart for some unknown reason....and I wish he hadn't. It would have been easier.

I finally crossed paths with him and we hugged...it felt so good. We chatted...I told him I was moving to Atlanta. He stated that we needed to get together and have dinner before I left. He then went onto say that in addition to having dinner we needed to get drunk and take a taxi ride somewhere - either my place, his place, or a hotel room after dinner.

I was obviously confused.

"Aren't you dating someone?" I asked.

"Well I am talking to someone...but he doesn't want to commit right now." he responds.

My immediate thought is that "it serves you right you son of a bitch. You should have kept me because I would have committed to you and treated you better than he ever could have." But of course I didn't say that.

"Ahh...I see." Is all I can say in response.

I miss him....I really miss him.

He asks me to call him and I shy away. He asks me if I erased his phone number and I admit that I have. He tells that he doesn't blame me. He says that he will call me b/c he still has my phone number. He even pulls his phone out to show me but I push his phone away b/c I don't want to see my number still in his phone.

I don't want to know that he still has that connection to me b/c he really did hurt my heart.

He says that he will call me. I tell him that he should and that I will take him up on that taxi ride. We hug once more!

I don't know what I will do if he calls me. Will I answer? Will I have dinner with him? Will I go home with him?

I want to be with him so badly , but I know that it will only be bad news if I am.

I am moving to Atlanta. I don't want to be here in Dallas and I know I should not be with him. But sometimes, knowing something doesn't mean that you really want it.

I know I shouldn't be with him, but I want to.

I know he broke my heart, but I still want him.

Tonight I saw my ex - and I was devastated.....

7 Comments:

  • At 5:42 PM, Blogger Sangroncito said…

    Good writing. You expressed that well. I've been there and I'm sure a lot of others have, too.

    A month is a very short amount of time to get over those kinds of feelings. When I read this I worried that he might be playing with your feelings to stroke his own ego. Follow your own heart but don't let him manipulate you in any way.

     
  • At 12:35 AM, Blogger Jim said…

    Ah Mattito,

    Not the most pleasant feeling, I can still feel myself pulling in opposing directions when that last happened to me.

    I suppose now its a matter of how much (more) you are willing to invest?

     
  • At 1:32 AM, Blogger Scotty said…

    Been there and HATE that! It will eventually get better. This move is a new start and you will be disconnected from him. Hang tight!

     
  • At 9:15 AM, Blogger The Gock said…

    ouch...

    I have no useful advice for this at all... other than... ouch.

    and a hug... *hug*

     
  • At 3:26 AM, Blogger hbjock said…

    I know how you feel sweetie... I was like that with my ex too. He broke up with me a few months back and then we started talking about a month ago... just as friends, and even though we were just on the phone, I missed him incredibly.. he even asked me to come with him to an event, and initially i said that i would, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.. because I'm still not COMPLETELY over him I realize.

    So I'd rather keep myself away from him for now than have those feelings resurface. Much love and hot hugs and kisses to ya ;).

     
  • At 12:01 AM, Anonymous sam said…

    He doesn't sound like such a nice guy. Perhaps this is a "test" from The Powers that Be before your big move.

     
  • At 12:46 AM, Blogger Matthew said…

    yeah - you are prob right - but there is no turning back from my move to Atlanta.

    Atlanta is where I want to go - so regardless I will be moving -

    Fate can be a bitch sometimes....

    and so can ex's

     

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