My So Called Life - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Embrace life -- both the sweet days and the bitter...embrace the joy and the sadness...the successes and the defeats -- for all of these things, both good and bad, have made you who you are.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Bullshit to English Dictionary - Abridged Edition

We have all heard them spoken. Those phrases and/or questions that just reek of Bullshit. They are so full of shit that you can see it dripping out of the mouths of the people speaking. When you hear it, you want to whip out your can of "ANTI-BULLSHIT" spray. So, to help everyone out, I have compiled the Bullshit to English Dictionary, an abridged edition.

Enjoy!

Statement: "I only want what is mine. I am not trying to rip anyone off because I am a Christian you know."

Translation: "I know I'm a selfish, self-serving, lazy-ass, would prefer to not work a day in my life, no good money grubber, but I will ease my conscious by throwing out a reference to God. Life owes me something.....it does....I swear!"


Statement: "I love you unconditionally, but..."

Translation: "I'm basically full of shit. I don't love you, I don't accept you, and unless you conform to my standards, yo ass is dropped. Capishe?"


Statement: "It's not you, it's me!"

Translation: "It IS you. I'm just too chickenshit to say it, so I'm gonna blame myself and act like I'm sad. Hope you can understand."


Statement: "I met somebody."

Translation: "It WAS you, you WERE bad in bed, you didn't meet my needs. Take your pick. Next!"


Statement: "It wasn't what you think..."

Translation: "It IS what you think, I am a lying piece of shit, and I WILL do it again. But in the mean time, please accept this piss poor excuse that basically means nothing and take back my good for nothing, lying, cheating, dirty dealing, ho-ish ass back into your life...."


Statement: "I can explain..."

Translation: "See definition for "It wasn't what you think...."


Statement: "You can call tomorrow if you want..."

Translation: "I am not only too lazy to call you, but I don't know yet if I want to call you. So I will just wait for your call, and if at that time, I decide you are worth talking to, I will pick up the phone. If I don't answer, then please take the hint and fuck off..."


Statement: "Oh baby - you shouldn't have!"

Translation: "Your sorry ass is fucking lucky that you did. If you hadn't not only would you not get ANY for a month, you would be ON THE COUCH, and your cheap ass would be buying me make up gifts that cost more. So as I said, your lucky you did."

Ok...so this was the abridged version...

The full edition will be out in book stores later this year!

3 Comments:

  • At 8:03 PM, Blogger myke said…

    Both Carolinas are beautiful. Both are full of tragic experiences .. especially for the gay man.

     
  • At 8:16 PM, Blogger Matthew said…

    Yes - for those of you who can see - the North Carolina Story has been post-poned

    STAY TUNED - it is coming!

     
  • At 2:28 AM, Anonymous sam said…

    Something tells me this post is a close relative of the one before it, wink wink.

     

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