My So Called Life - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Embrace life -- both the sweet days and the bitter...embrace the joy and the sadness...the successes and the defeats -- for all of these things, both good and bad, have made you who you are.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Very Selfish and Self Contradictory Phase - That Is Where My Life Is At

I know it's a little ironic. At least from my perspective, that is what my life seems like. The things I seem to want are the same things that inside I feel a lack of desire for. Isn't that weird? Strange? Down right stupid?

I long for more friendships, more people in my life, a relationship with someone that could develop into something more.

And yet, at the same time, I want everyone to just leave me alone. I don't want to be bothered at all by anyone else and their problems. I feel like I have enough problems of my own and none of them are being solved so my inclination is to pull away from anyone and to retreat to myself.

It is completely fruitless and makes absolutely no sense. Could it be that I am a self-sabotager? Deliberatly trying to destroy and good that may come because in actuality I like the "struggle"...am I one of those people that is addicted to the depressing, sad part of life?

I am actually surprised I am writing this for the blogging world to see. I rarely give anyone much insight into my personal issues and thoughts I usually tend to keep it on the general.

So yeah...

Perhaps this is just a normal part of life. Meaning that overall I do want more people in my life and I do want more healty, friendships, etc. But maybe right now I am in a phase where I need alone time.

It is the "MICRO" vs the "MACRO" view of life.

On the MACRO side I want more people and more relationships, but on the MICRO side at this very instant in time, I need my own personal space.

hmmmm...

9 Comments:

  • At 4:45 PM, Anonymous justaguynatl said…

    You're not alone...

     
  • At 6:52 PM, Blogger savante said…

    Not the only guy with such thoughts certainly.

    Well you could have internet friendships :) You have your personal space and yet you still have friends all over the place!

     
  • At 8:07 PM, Blogger Spider said…

    Sounds pretty normal to me - that is EXACTLY where I am right now...

     
  • At 9:24 PM, Blogger abnitude said…

    i have to agree with the other commentors and say that you are having normal feelings. don't get me wrong, i am by no means disregarding what you say either. i guess when i have felt the way you do right now, it has helped to have someone tell me that i wasnt wrong in my thoughts and feelings. sometimes we can be our worst enemies. keep searching and the advice that worked for me was to not shut everyone out; it does help to talk about your feelings with a friend.

     
  • At 12:45 AM, Anonymous nettie said…

    Maybe you put it out in the open because you wanted to know that others share some of your feelings? If so, I hope it helps to know that.

     
  • At 1:16 AM, Blogger Matthew said…

    Nettie - yeah maybe you are right - it helps to know that others have experienced it too - it can be weird to have such conflicting thoughts

     
  • At 12:33 PM, Blogger steve'swhirlyworld said…

    Normal, Normal, Normal...it's the battle of finding a balance.

     
  • At 8:31 PM, Blogger Matthew said…

    Steve - yeah - balance is hard to find - I am definitely still trying to find balance in most things!

     
  • At 5:09 PM, Anonymous kyle said…

    i swear you and i are the same person after reading this...

     

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