My So Called Life - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Embrace life -- both the sweet days and the bitter...embrace the joy and the sadness...the successes and the defeats -- for all of these things, both good and bad, have made you who you are.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Sunday Morning Church - It's Been A While

I went to church this morning - yes...It had been a while since I had stepped foot in a church. I had decided last night that I would go this morning. I am not sure why I wanted to go, but I did. I set my alarm for 7:00 am b/c I had planned on going for a run beforehand.

My alarm went off...I turned it off, and I went back to bed. I woke up at 10:32 am. The church service started at 10:45 am. Part of me wanted to stay in bed and continue in my peaceful slumber. But I made myself get out of bed. I cleaned up..blah blah blah...everything you need to do in 5 minutes, and I was out the door.

I arrived 15 minutes late, but that is ok. I missed the "meet and greet" part where you introduce yourself to everyone around you...i hate that part b/c I hate introducing myself to strangers...I feel so uncomfortable.

So I enter the building and casually find my way to the backrow. You see attending a baptist church for part of college taught me well how to be a backrow baptist :-). Just kidding!

I enjoy the backrow of a church b/c it somehow seems more private. Just me and God and no one else around. I turned off my cell phone and I could finally relax. The choir was singing the song "Forever" and I joined right in.

I closed my eyes and it felt just like my church back in Waco during my college years. I was singing along when suddenly it happened...something that I had not done in years...not since my college days.

I cried at church...

Singing the song, eyes closed, tears came down my face, and I couldn't stop them. I actually didn't want to. It felt good to cry...

I wasn't crying because of guilt or depression or anything of the sort. I was crying because I miss God...

The tears weren't b/c I was conflicted about being gay, or felt guilty b/c of my "lifestyle"...it had nothing to do with me at all. It was simply that I missed his presence in my life...

Halfway through the service, this guy named Tommy came up to me and said hi. I had run into him at the Round Up one night several months ago. I was drunk and he was sober (as he always is). We talked for just a few moments about life and all that good stuff, and he invited me to church believe it or not. Tommy is quite possibly the most beautiful man I have met here in Dallas, so I did not go the first time he invited me b/c I somehow felt that was disrespectful to the Lord to go to church just to meet a hot guy...but I digress...

But back to the service this morning. Tommy said hi, gave me a hug, and said he would come and talk with me at the end of the service.

Just as they began taking communion I exited...

I did not stay and talk to Tommy. Part of me wanted to, but the other part did not.

Tommy is a great guy with an absolutely golden heart...

But this morning was about me and God...just the two of us.

Everytime I talk to Tommy I get distracted by his looks, his voice, his eyes, and that is what would have happened if I had talked to him after the service.

This morning was about my spiritual journey and on the journey this morning, I sat back and enjoyed the ride...i closed all the windows and locked the doors...no outside distractions were allowed...no matter how "hot" they were....

6 Comments:

  • At 10:31 PM, Blogger Sangroncito said…

    Interesting because church and god are almost alien to me. When I am in latin america I sometimes find myself entering catholic churches and sitting for a while and thinking but that is a far as it goes. I think of my grandmother because she went to catholic church so when I am sitting there I feel a little closer to her. Somehow in my very unformed idea of god and spirituality I think that the "creator" is everywhere and that "church" is everywhere.

     
  • At 12:26 AM, Blogger Scotty said…

    I can so relate. So was this a gay friendly church? ACtually the last time I was at church, I fought the tears for at least half the song service. I knew if I cried, that owuld be a sign for my mom and everyone there to think I was repentant, and that wasn't it at all...it just felt good to feel God's presence in my life once again.

     
  • At 9:28 AM, Blogger Schlitz25 said…

    Mmmm. Matt its wonderful that we are SOOO different and yet similar. Funny thing is that i had the same experience on Sunday nite at church..i started crying for the same reasons... and then I had an incredible spiritual connection this morning with GOd. whew. i cant wait for you to get here, i think you will really like the church i attend.

     
  • At 2:12 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I find it interesting how you have to be with God all by yourself. And you meet a cute guy at your church (especially a Baptist church no less). I would probably think if i met a guy a church he might actually be sent by God to me. I guess i have always found in interesting how people have to be in church to feel close to God i feel close to God everyday and everywhere i go. Anyway just found this blog interesting.

     
  • At 4:53 PM, Blogger Matthew said…

    Anonymous -

    In my post I never said that i HAD to be alone with God. I just said that it felt like a private little service..just me and God.

    And I also never said I had to be in church to feel God :-) :-)

    I agree with you that a relationship with God is personal and one can feel Him where they are if they have that connection....

    thanks for commmenting!

     
  • At 9:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    You are a child of disobedience. Do not deceive yourself about your emotional trips to church. You need to genuinely repent, or you will be crying for another reason.

    Eph 5:3-6
    3 But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints;
    4 Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks.
    5 For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.
    6 Let no man deceive you with vain words: for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience.
    (KJV)

     

Post a Comment

<< Home