My So Called Life - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Embrace life -- both the sweet days and the bitter...embrace the joy and the sadness...the successes and the defeats -- for all of these things, both good and bad, have made you who you are.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

My Struggle - Homosexuality vs. Christianity, The Final Chapter - Revelation From Above

I moved to Dallas in January of 2001. I had taken a job teaching kids at an after school educational center. I was looking forward to the job because I absolutely loved kids, and I enjoyed teaching. My move to Dallas was marred by misgivings, however. I had recently ended my 2 1/2 year relationship with Brock, disassociated myself from the church that had been my home for 4 years, and was lost as to what this all meant for my future.

As I settled into my new apartment and attempted to begin a "walk" here in Dallas, I attempted to reorganize my life. No longer bound by the conflict that arose because of my relationship with Brock, I attempted to recapture the zealous abandon of my prior years at Baylor.

I had established a pattern in life when I heard of a church plant moving to dallas. I planned to attend this home based cell church that was started by members of my church back in Waco, TX. My mission: to dive back in full force into the "Christian" walk and forget all about the conflict that had so embroiled my life and soul at Baylor.

The night came for me to attend the first meeting of my new cell church home here in Dallas. I arrived and saw many familiar faces - the faces of people I had known throughout my time in Waco. We greeted each other with hugs and pleasantries. I honestly think they were too shocked to respond any other way.

"...What is he actually doing here..." I could here them thinking.

And that line of thinking would not have been too far off. When I left the church it was a total chopping block experience. All relationships were cut and all ties broken. I am not sure if it reached the church that I was gay, but it was well known that I had deeper "conflicts" that kept me from continuing with them in my journey.

The meeting began, and familiarity set in. The worship, the prayer, the scripture reading - I felt like I was right back at Baylor my freshman year. Guitar led worship entered my ears, and I could feel my heart go out a bit. Honestly I did long to know God more. The salvation experience was very real for me and nothing could ever change that (and nothing ever will!).

Yet something was missing. This was not and would never be my freshman year at Baylor all over again. I opened my eyes and looked around the room. These thoughts came into my mind.

"...Who are these people?..."

"...Do I really know them...because I know they don't really know me..."


"...Why am I here? What am I trying to recapture?..."

"...Why am I looking back to the past?..."

As these thoughts were going through my mind, the revelation hit me. The revelation that would forever change my outlook on myself and my relationship with God.

Simply put - "...God is more than enough..."

Those amazing words, so simple in written form, communicated something so deep and so strongly into my heart that I had to sit down in my chair.

God was more than enough for me and everything I would ever go through.

It wasn't a condemnation of my life or of my relationship with Brock. It had nothing to do with me or anyone else on this earth. It was about God, plain and simple.

You see, with this revelation I realized that my time at Baylor was not about God. It was about church, cell groups, discipleship, worship, prayer, evangelism, bible study, and ME!

My focus had been wrong, so why would I want to relive those days all over again. Why would I want to fall back into the same pattern that had led me down a path of conflict, despair and stress all those years ago.

The meeting that night ended and I said my good-byes knowing I would not be back. I had made the decision. I would walk away...for now. I knew I would be back at some point, but for now the church would not be apart of my life.

To this day, my attendance at church is sparse, and probably not what it should be.

The truth about the revelation God gave me still rings true in my heart. God is more than enough - for any situation, any trouble, anything I go through - he is not shocked by what I do, and he doesn't fall off his throne.

So why am I not conflicted about my struggle anymore? What has changed?
Simply put - God is Enough! and with that knowledge I don't struggle, and I don't worry. Psalms tells me that nothing can take me out of the hand of God, and I still remain there today!

20 Comments:

  • At 10:51 PM, Blogger Mr. Brian said…

    Hmmmm. words of wisdom, indeed. Followed your link on one of Skippy's comments. Nice post.

     
  • At 10:58 PM, Blogger myke said…

    Being that I come from a highly religious area myself .. I can understand this abit I believe. When asked by someone here once why I didn't attend church more often, I simply replyed "I can be closer to God out hiking in the woods than you can be in that church." It's really NOT about institutionalized religion. In fact I'd say that the institutions are part of the problem.

     
  • At 11:33 PM, Blogger Jim said…

    Matt, if you dont submit this to Observer, I will :)

     
  • At 11:54 PM, Blogger Matthew said…

    Jim, this will not be submitted to the Observer. Under No Circumstances!!! :-)

     
  • At 12:52 AM, Blogger Scotty said…

    WOW...I am so moved by all of this and pretty much in the same place you are. Once I seperated my relationship with God from my relationship with church and religion I realized that I would be OK. I Have been through so much of what you ahve been through. If we ever meet we will ahve a LOT to talk about I am sure.

     
  • At 2:49 AM, Blogger FlirtinFelicity said…

    i was looking at your blog and i just thought that
    you have a real cool blog. See my postings in my
    profile and you might also wanna check me out in my
    webpage. Hollar back friend!

     
  • At 3:11 AM, Blogger Jim said…

    Oh calm down, you know better! lol

     
  • At 4:09 AM, Blogger Scotty said…

    BTW, I just checked out flirtinFelicity's blog...hmmm...well that was enlightening.

     
  • At 5:13 AM, Blogger drifter said…

    Absolutely an amazing post, and story. I'll just leave it at that.

     
  • At 7:55 AM, Blogger Schlitz25 said…

    interesting..i have more to say...

     
  • At 7:55 AM, Blogger Schlitz25 said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     
  • At 10:17 AM, Blogger Kree Kra said…

    Its funny that you said that your time at Baylor was about "...church, discipleship, worship..." What about your education? I graduated from BU also, and never once attended a church service. Crazy, huh. My priorities were focused on my career advancement rather than spiritual. Anyway, I really enjoyed your story and look forward to learning more about you.

     
  • At 11:13 AM, Blogger Matthew said…

    Well - i did focus on my education as well - he he - time to brag on my educational ability -

    *************
    3.8 GPA
    :-) :-)

     
  • At 11:53 AM, Blogger Kree Kra said…

    Thats awesome! Hey, how is everything going on your potential move to Atlanta?

     
  • At 1:28 PM, Blogger BRETTCAJUN said…

    You know... I am still pissed your Baylor women's basketball team beat my LSU Lady Tigers in the Final Four! Is this relevant to your post? Probably not! Sorry! I think you have posted great articles with a lot of depth over the last few days Matthew. I am proud of you! Just yesterday, you were recounting bad dates. Now you are giving us your wisdom! THANKS!

     
  • At 7:34 PM, Blogger Matthew said…

    Atlanta is still pending - have not heard anythign since the interview on Friday - will udate everyone when I find out :)

     
  • At 7:48 PM, Blogger Nettie said…

    Hmmm, that's an interesting perspective to think about, away from mainstream maybe, but I don't know that that's a bad thing. In the end, you're right, God IS enough.

     
  • At 7:51 PM, Blogger Matthew said…

    Nettie - yes I realize it is definately outside of the mainstream but i am outside of mainstream right now too - regardless as you say, God IS enough. :-)

     
  • At 8:46 PM, Blogger purpletwinkie said…

    Serveral great posts, Matt. Thanks for giving some insight into what makes you you :)

     
  • At 11:48 PM, Blogger steve'swhirlyworld said…

    I've read your blog for the past month or so, and just came across this series. Very interesting experience.

    I was raised VERY Catholic and had my own experience - they're different for everyone. I also lived in Dallas for 15 years, prior to moving to Phx. I was a member of the Cathedral of Hope - that was a nice transition from Catholicism into being Gay and Christian. Since leaving Dallas, I have been church-free; however, I still visit with God, spend time with him/her hiking in the mountains, and appreciate all that is good. You're absolutely correct, God is Enough.

     

Post a Comment

<< Home