My So Called Life - The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Embrace life -- both the sweet days and the bitter...embrace the joy and the sadness...the successes and the defeats -- for all of these things, both good and bad, have made you who you are.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

My Struggle - Homosexuality vs. Christianity, Part III - The Secret Relationship

I entered my room to silence and was left by myself to comprehend what had just happened. I was in uncharted territory, and did not really know what to do. A thought came into my mind, that I should pray. Now realize, I had almost never prayed in my entire life outside of the monotonous prayer offered up sometimes before I scarfed down dinner at holiday gatherings.

I knelt down by my bed and prayed.

The specifics of my prayer remain far too personal and as such, shall remain forever a silent covenant between me and my Creator. Needless to say,when I stood up, my life would not and could not ever be the same again.

I walked across the hall and saw the two guys who had taken me on the Whataburger run along with several of our friends from the hallway. All I kept thinking to myself was:

..."They have no idea what I have just done!"

Thus began my Christian walk which would go strong for the next 4 years. This walk took me on many adventures and caused many wonderful people to come into my life, including one of my best friends Samuel (who I mention in my blog a lot!).

Now being at Baylor, one would assume that I would join a nice conservative Baptist church to attend. That was not the case...but it wasnt necessarily by my choice.

I began attending Highland Baptist Church. But it wasnt your typical Baptist Church. They danced in the aisles, they had a contemporary worhsip band with electic guitars and back up singers, they raised their hands during worship, and they spoke in tongues. So basically, in a sense I joined a pentecostal church. As a side note, this church would eventually grow into two churches: Highland Baptist Church and Antioch Community Church. I would join the latter!

I was a fireball, and I jumped in with ultimate abandon. I even spent my spring break (and every subsequent spring break in college) on a mission trip to Juarez, Mexico. I joined a small community group at church and developed many friendships at this church. My vacation period of euphoria would be short lived as the realities of life soon settled in.

You see...I had not yet come out as a gay man. And that struggle, while still small at this point was very real inside of me, and I did not know how to cope. Suddenly I was part of a group that would never accept that. I attemped to ignore and change that desire inside of me, but it would not relent.

Over the next year, I would pray, fast, and seek the help of God and eventually friends at church to combat this "affliction". I "confessed" it to my small group leader and even to his leader above him. We would pray and fast and seek freedom, but it never came.

I was now 19. It was the summer after my freshman year. I had just met Samuel along with our other friend Jabbar. These two friendships have proven to be the longest lasting and ultimately the best friendships in my life.
This summer would bring about an ultimate change in my life and would also see the beginning of the biggest secret I ever kept from Samuel and Jabbar...but its not what you think!

8 Comments:

  • At 1:08 PM, Blogger J said…

    this christianity vs. sexuality series of yours is really interesting to reads. thanks for sharing your internal struggles.

     
  • At 1:27 PM, Blogger Scotty said…

    I am literally riveted. I have been through so much of the same thing and anxiously await the resot of th story

     
  • At 3:12 PM, Blogger Schlitz25 said…

    Spill the beans bitch...i do like the new flavor im tasting tho...

    Just like Star Wars, your life always has an additional episode never before known or released...So..spill your surprises, and dish your dirt, we're all eyes...

     
  • At 4:24 PM, Blogger Jim said…

    Take one day's break from the blog and I miss three episodes from the chapter of revelations!

    That is a HUGE internal conflict, Matt. I'm looking forward to part IV.

     
  • At 5:16 PM, Blogger Sangroncito said…

    Wow! I'm tagging your blog for more readin' cause I want to know what comes next......

     
  • At 5:19 PM, Blogger Matthew said…

    Sangroncito -

    Thanks for marking my blog - always appreciated :-)

    Next installment coming soon!

     
  • At 5:50 PM, Blogger BRETTCAJUN said…

    This is like a suspense novel! :) I like it! I never had the religious guilt because I was raised Catholic. Or I should say, I wasn't raised rigidly Catholic. I went through catechism, confirmation, etc. But no Priest EVER said I was going to burn in hell for being gay. Thank God Catholics don't read the Bible as much as other denominations. I escaped that guilt!

     
  • At 11:10 PM, Blogger myke said…

    it'll be interesting to hear more of this story ... i can truly empathize ... i live in the most reddest of red southern christian states ...

     

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